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For Carl

my new private balcony

my new private balcony


A new era has begun in my life, with a move from the place I moved into 2 months ago, to a place that is … well, it’s a little piece of heaven, with a fellow recovery woman.

It’s on a river. The sound of the river permeates the entire property and house. My room is on the 2nd floor, with my own private balcony. The house has several skylights, wood floors and trim throughout.

The property has several gardening areas for vegetables and flowers, grassy nooks with chairs, fruit trees, and a gazebo on the river. There is also a workshop and an art studio.

Both my roommate and I feel that this is a place that wants to be a vessel for healing. It wants to provide a safe, affordable and soul-nourishing haven for people who need it, in order to do our work, the work of the soul and spirit. The rent is super cheap, and the location is a few minutes walking to down town. We want to host healing circles and various healing modalities here.

My arrival here happened suddenly, removing me from the danger inherent in living alone. I had been isolating and not eating, in and out of various states of dissociation and paralyzation. A friend of mine asked me why i was remaining in this harmful situation. I realized I had not made it real in my mind that it was a harmful situation. I was still holding on, trying to convince myself that it wasn’t happening, that really, I was fine; I was just thinking I wasn’t. When the landlords there gave notice they were returning to the Valley, this new place emerged. After my friend asked me why I was staying, I checked out moving earlier, and was given the green light. I moved the next day.

The previous roommate here was a beautiful, bright, gay man who was the keeper of the space and property, loved gardening, home repairs and landscaping. He also lived with OCD and Bipolar Disorder. He chose to leave this world by suicide last month. As he had promised to his friends, he waited until he was happy for several months before leaving. He sorted his things and arranged for them to be dispersed, cleaned the house, made soup for the woman who is now my rooommate. Everyone knew that his leaving was imminent, and when he was all set up to facilitate his departure, he emailed my roommate, who was out of town at the time. It took him two consecutive attempts to leave.

His body was found in his room. He died a happy, loving and giving spirit; at peace in his surroundings and with his friends in this life. His passing has brought me here, and so I write this as an offering of gratitude and appreciation. I feel his presence, and that he is a kindred spirit. I regret that I did not get to know him while he was still here.

For Carl. For all your journeys, sorrows, joys, achievements, struggles, and losses. And for all the great love you gave to this world. May you be in peace in the afterlife. May your spirit soar on, always and forever free.

beside my pillow, the sound of the river surrounding.

beside my pillow, the sound of the river surrounding. words and cards by a fellow aca member. amethyst heart stone from fellow coda member, crystal from dear friend in my previous city up North. I am not alone on this journey.


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from the other side of me


heartsontree“May all our circles continue to grow — with unprecedented compassion, playfulness and wisdom — infinitely and abundantly, to include each other, all living beings and all life its self. May each of us find our voice and the courage to speak it, and live it. May we know one-ness and grace like never before, and may no one being be forgotten or excluded from this movement. This is the apocalypse. It is not the kind of dramatic, over-night event so many have thought. It has been rolling in for many years inside the hearts of the old souls, artists, dreamers, change-makers and sufferers. The tide has been turning one heart at a time, like mist that rolls into the fields at night. Slowly we have suffered enough, and so we are transformed, and so the world is changed, one person at a time.”


isolation: more to healthy life than diet, exercise

I’ve really been staring my life-long battle with isolation in the face lately, so articles like this are comforting, found while researching services for people with disabilities, now that I am one (I’m hinting here at the fact that I have now officially been granted status as a person with disabilities).

I’m happy about it most days, and some days of course, and as most of you already know, I feel like a fraud. For now, it feels good. I cannot possibly work anywhere near full time, and I am not capable of living on my own. The status recognizes that I am not the same as most and that I need special care in some areas; and that feels really validating. As my sponsor put it last week, noting that this is a fairly evolved way of seeing it, the Universe is sending me a cheque every month. The volunteer work that this enables me to do, and the creative person it enables me to be is the investment of the Universe.

Well, it is brief today. I’m investigating a new place to live, in a self-contained suite on a property with 50 other diverse, creative and open-minded people. It is $650 / month + utilities, so I am not even sure if it is viable for me. It’s great that I can make up to $800/month in addition to my regular assistance cheque, but how much can I rely on myself to bring in? Am I ready for any of that survival pressure? Many questions at this time. Surviving the August lull in classes and workshops one day at a time. Discovering the importance of keeping things moving by little small changes every day; my tendency to get stuck in unknowingness and indecision, and what I need to do to stay out of it. Kind of scattered; a little bit of this, a little bit of that … blessings on the day, all.

Editorial: More to healthy life than diet, exercise.


a personal mantra from simplelifelessons

Came across this wonderful channeling on simplelifelessons. Having a hard day today, and really needed to hear these words:

When You Know Better, You do Better

'Dance Couple' by Ekin

'Dance Couple' by Ekin

Learn from every life experience, so the next experience will take you to a different, more joyful place. A place where you look in the mirror and see someone you like in the reflection. Learn to love yourself in any situation. You are beautiful. You are learning. Don’t be hard on yourself. Leave your negativity behind you and turn the page. Change can happen only as quickly as you let go of difficult lessons you have learned and move forward into the life you deserve…. knowing all the while the journey was a necessary one. Be so thankful you were given one more day to learn, grow, change and move forward- better informed and closer to yourself than ever before. Let every day count. You are loved and beautiful and you matter. Let every day count.

Blessings to your day everyone. Be gentle, courageous and play passionately. Big love from Underground.


making amends with a narcissist

my sponsor in codependents anonymous said yesterday how it is a commonly held truth that codependents tend to chronically attract narcissistic partners; codependents and narcissists are perfect matches for each other. i resonated with this because as i have been reading about narcissists lately, their symptoms and the ways they lie remind me of every partner i’ve been with. my most recent break-up, which i blogged about in trusting perception + trauma is trauma, i am finding it challenging to be finished with the dysfunction of our exchange. he is an artist and just entering the community of an artspace i help to promote. i am actually fuming today, which is why i am posting again. i feel like if i don’t get this off my chest some how, i will implode. the anger is acidic. grrrrr! i wish i was above this; i pray to be above it soon. so, this is the jist of my rant:

putting up his boundaries of defense with tiny knives to “protect” himself from dangers he has made up in me. It is only so he can hide from his own. anyone worth knowing will see this also, as time tells because time does tell. he will stay stuck in his isolation until he is able to turn the mirror. an objective and evolved person would pray for him. I pray to be that person, for my higher power to remove the fear and outrage from me, this trigger of being the only one to see, thinking that I am the one who is cra-z.


compassion (unknown source): Deep awareness of the suffering of another without the need to relieve it, feeling total appreciation for its value; a state of non-judgement.

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new site + finding authentic joy this holiday weekend

Hello readers,

I’ve been working on my site here at underground.

What’s new? Well, I made an about page and added a quote to my home page instead of the ‘welcome to underground’ paragraph. I designed a header image, revised my posting categories and added a widget for them, added a widget for top posts, and figured out how to add ‘related articles’ under each post. I also changed my display name to ‘underground’ instead of ‘heartjunky’, though the domain seems to be taken already, so i am stumped for a revised site address …

If you have the inclination, have a look and tell me what you think of my new site!

My christmas celebrations ended up happening on Thursday this year. I celebrated by making prayer cards and handing them out randomly at several events throughout the day, including a therapy appointment, a CoDA holiday potluck, a chant circle and a visit with friends. it was perhaps the deepest and most joyous celebration of christmas i have experienced, in giving gifts to everyone in my life that were home-made and deeply meaningful to me and those who received them.

I was worried that i would feel empty and alone this weekend, but I’m in a good space today, playing with images and design, writing and playing on here, visiting with friends on skype and enjoying this day of leisurely play, alone at home. I am content with where my life is at for the first time in many months, and not feeling like i should be anywhere else, or doing what other “normal” people do over christmas. thank you, higher power.

May you find yourself comfortable in your skin, wherever you are, and however you may be celebrating the holidays or not. There are no right or wrongs, winners or losers; just the great experiment of being alive and finding joy in authentic ways.

Great love from Underground.

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from the universe

In this assignment, which I did find enjoyable in the viha program, we were asked to write a letter to our higher power, and the letter our higher power would write to us. here’s mine:


I give to you all that I am and all that I ever will be. Make new this day, and help me to heal my wounds. Help me to open my heart so your love flows through me and everyone around me.

May I be given the strength to fulfill your highest purpose for me, others and the world, each and every day.

Thank you for being in my life and guiding me to your purpose and my greatest joys. I know you have always been there, and always will be there. I love you like no one else in my life and through loving you, I love myself.



I am sorry for leading you to such a dark place, and that you have had to feel so alone in your life. You thought you had to die to let go, and it is only now that I can show you that it is possible to live and let go. You wouldn’t have gotten it without every part of your experience.

There was always a higher purpose. Your suffering was never to punish you. You are a channel of divine power and love, and now your channel is more open than ever. There is nothing wrong with your vessel.