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living amends

It’s not a sense of entitlement; it’s the need to make a living amends to the Child within. To do things differently than they have been done in the past — to replace the unworthiness and the unloveability, with worthiness and loveability, on the most basic of levels, which cannot be accessed or changed with words.

A living amends to me is expressing and validating all the unspoken things in a way that is un-deniably reflective of the past lack, aka abandonment. Saying to my Child, “That shouldn’t have happened; here’s what should have. Here is what a healthy response would have been.”


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what’s your book cover

I’ve been having book covers and titles coming to me. What, if anything, I ever end up doing with them, it seems like part of my therapy to express them. What is your book cover?



The magazine Poetry Is Dead (PID) is accepting submissions of writings on Mental Health in two categories — INSIDE and OUTSIDE.

The submission deadline is January 31st. Accepted submissions will appear in Issue #7 of PID: Mental Health Inside Out.

See this link for more information:

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attachment with my therapist

I keep wanting to tell you everything — sometimes repetitively — because I don’t know if it’s real.

Nicki's Inner Child

(Photo credit: JMKearns)

I can’t know where I am

until I truly know where I have been.

I can’t know where I am going

until I know where I truly am.

I want you to hear and know everything about me, and never leave, and always just be there.

When I thought you might have been experimenting with me by leaving the room to answer your pager on several occasions, I was filled with delight at the thought. I wanted desperately for you to be ‘playing with me.’ Doing things to learn more about me.

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what my child needed

the other thing that has been triggered is fear.

fear of repeating any part of my previous life. how safe am i? have i learned enough not to repeat? do I trust in life and my higher power not to repeat?

presenting myself professionally brings up the fear of being misunderstood, of my authentic self being unseen, denied, ignored, shunned, shamed, isolated. having to live with a secret, the secret of me.

my therapist asked me to write on three questions:

1. What did my inner child need way back when, instead of being driven and holding up the lie of success, confidence, connectedness, stability, giftedness and well-being?

2. what is the conclusion about myself that I am acting out when I freeze in social situations?

3. Where in my life have I experienced support for my authentic self?

so, last night, I wrote on the first question:


a personal mantra from simplelifelessons

Came across this wonderful channeling on simplelifelessons. Having a hard day today, and really needed to hear these words:

When You Know Better, You do Better

'Dance Couple' by Ekin

'Dance Couple' by Ekin

Learn from every life experience, so the next experience will take you to a different, more joyful place. A place where you look in the mirror and see someone you like in the reflection. Learn to love yourself in any situation. You are beautiful. You are learning. Don’t be hard on yourself. Leave your negativity behind you and turn the page. Change can happen only as quickly as you let go of difficult lessons you have learned and move forward into the life you deserve…. knowing all the while the journey was a necessary one. Be so thankful you were given one more day to learn, grow, change and move forward- better informed and closer to yourself than ever before. Let every day count. You are loved and beautiful and you matter. Let every day count.

Blessings to your day everyone. Be gentle, courageous and play passionately. Big love from Underground.