I’ve been having book covers and titles coming to me. What, if anything, I ever end up doing with them, it seems like part of my therapy to express them. What is your book cover?
The root of my dis-ease is that no on admitted to seeing the ghosts in my closet, the “heads on my table“.
I’m confused on whether or not they’re even real, and this disturbs my sense of confidence and well-being in the world.
When I name a ghost, it flies out of the closet and re-integrates. It is the seeing and naming that is the work.
The new manager that I sent my Canada AM story to (along with my resume) didn’t respond to my email. This, after saying how, “We have to get you back in here before next Tuesday …,” and me having sent her these things on (last) Wednesday. So when I went in this last Tuesday, I was quite anxious, and totally unsure what I was going to encounter there. The lady (and Board members) were bumbling along like nothing had happened, completely unaware of what her not getting back to me had felt like. Still talking to me like a future employee, and some kind of super star hero. I knew I was going to have to say no to them somehow. This job is coming out of their needs, and is not a collaboration having anything to do with mine. My needs seem to be somewhat invisible to them. And so, it is not a good fit for me. It sounds so simple. But I have been feeling extreme anxiety over this, over saying no, doubting myself and my perceptions. Slowly, they are coming clear.
It’s like they are so desperate that they don’t care who I am; they just want me to be the superstar they are projecting onto me. Wow. How could anyone feel safe around that? !
I don’t feel in the least bit seen. This situation is so perfectly reflective of my childhood. No one seeing me; everyone seeing a star in me and turning a blind eye to the rest. No wonder I needed to say no.
I wrote, and sent, an email to her yesterday, declining the employment opening there. It felt good, though part of me is sad that I am not the right person to help this centre for people with disabilities.
I realize that what I have to say may be disappointing.I have decided not to pursue the current job opportunity at IL (Independent Living).
The organization is obviously in a massive transition, and no one who knows me from just a few months ago, is there any more. I do not know the board as a whole; two people have left due to stress, and one person has been let go very suddenly.Having been through burn-out several times in my life, and quite severely last time, I cannot take risks like I used to, and I regret to acknowledge that working for IL at this time would be a risk for me.I feel the importance of IL here, very strongly. I want to support it in whatever way I can; and for now, that means remaining as a volunteer in the capacity I have been doing.
the other thing that has been triggered is fear.
fear of repeating any part of my previous life. how safe am i? have i learned enough not to repeat? do I trust in life and my higher power not to repeat?
presenting myself professionally brings up the fear of being misunderstood, of my authentic self being unseen, denied, ignored, shunned, shamed, isolated. having to live with a secret, the secret of me.
my therapist asked me to write on three questions:
1. What did my inner child need way back when, instead of being driven and holding up the lie of success, confidence, connectedness, stability, giftedness and well-being?
2. what is the conclusion about myself that I am acting out when I freeze in social situations?
3. Where in my life have I experienced support for my authentic self?
so, last night, I wrote on the first question:
Two messages I wrote tonight, to two different friends:
“A deep, rich, and wonderful person on this planet, and the dance of her soul.” (Comment on her film)
“I guess I’m in and out this week like bad cell phone (I.e. Universe) reception. The sound of unattached radio waves on the air.”
I started volunteering at a resource centre for people with disabilities this week — seeing how it feels to be somewhere at a specific time, 3 hrs a day, 2 days a week. It’s been a joy to contribute in an atmosphere where I don’t have to be traditional or normal. It’s okay to be imperfect, or need support.
I feel like I’m living with everything in the air these days, but in a new way — everything in the air and pointed godwards, with curiosity, a tentative smile on my lips. being in the world is feeling different. saying this is extremely vulnerable. i dare to smell the breeze, let the wind blow through my hair, be willing to accept its falling down again. my heart is like an insect wing.