innerlight


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attachment pain

I’ve continued to feel distraught and perturbed from my last session. Although I have maintained what has been a very active social life in the last 3 days, I have felt internally as if I have just broken up with someone, ended a relationship. That horrible feeling like part of my world has crumbled, and nothing except seeing him again will make it go away. The amount of angst I am feeling around my therapist is humbling to me, and I keep wanting to fix it. I guess I’m not sure how to move it. If I should be speaking up to him that I am / have been affected this way or just endure until our next session, which is not for another week and a half.

Aside from the whole wanting to be special / heart-broken thing, another part of my perturbment is that I want him to confirm that he sees the split in me; he sees why I am there in his office, that he doesn’t think I’m being a drama queen. Yes, there is that term again – drama queen. What is real. Yada yada … yada yada … I keep comparing myself to the patients he sees in the psych ward who are unable to have a normal conversation and who, if left to their own devices would off themselves immediately.

If I’m not that, I don’t deserve therapy. I should get my act together and get on with it. I keep feeling as if something in me that I am not particularly in control of is driven obsessively to prove to him that I am bad enough to need therapy.

On the other hand, another part of me knows without a doubt that I do, and I am benefiting from seeing him.

And this very debate going on in my mind IS why I am there. It permeates every part of my life. The feeling of having secret personalities, secret lives; the obsessive flip-flop anxiety and catastrophic self-doubt I feel when I put myself out there, with resumes, career paths, training, etc.

And, the fact that I feel heart-broken at the ending of a session because he did not say how wonderful and special I am, take me into his arms and tell me everything’s going to be alright. The familiar heart-break / abandonment / rejection pain that throbs through my chest, down my arms and out my fingertips, leaving my body feeling “dead”, completely empty, without will, defeated. Dead.

My attachment with him is becoming more painful, and the intensity of it scares me a little. Maybe because he’s a therapist, he’s not going to abandon ship without telling me, and I will actually be able to work through this.

iStock attachment finger

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more confessions

Confession. Esperanto: Konfeso. Français : Con...

Confession. Esperanto: Konfeso. Français : Confession. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I got off of a bus in a bad part of town

because I needed to throw up

because I was pregnant.

Three people dressed in business suits walked by me

together, while I was puking.

I looked up at them, and looked in their eyes,

relating to them as my contemporaries,

and was shocked when they acted

as if I wasn’t there

and kept on walking

away from me.

 

This was one of my first experiences of class; and still to this day

I honestly don’t know which I belong to.

 

I wrote and delivered the thank-you speech,

to the philanthropist family

who had granted us their prestigious leadership award

I spoke at a podium

on behalf of all the 40-odd recipients from across Canada

at a banquet dinner

 

I hid that I smoked at the in-person interviews.

I changed shirts in the middle of the day

because I’d forgotten my deoderant,

which I’d had to leave at the airport

when i almost missed my plane.
I’d slept late accidentally

gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before.

i’d almost lost everything now
— marriage, jobs, reputation, mental health.

 

One of the questions to me at the in-person interviews weekend

was whether or not I felt I’d ever failed.

My answer was that it depended on your definition of failure.

That if you learn from it, it becomes part of your success.

 

At the end of the conference, I had to leave early.

I went around to all the 90-something finalists,

sitting around the round tables. I shook their hands

and said what an honour it was …


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attachment with my therapist

I keep wanting to tell you everything — sometimes repetitively — because I don’t know if it’s real.

Nicki's Inner Child

(Photo credit: JMKearns)

I can’t know where I am

until I truly know where I have been.

I can’t know where I am going

until I know where I truly am.

I want you to hear and know everything about me, and never leave, and always just be there.

When I thought you might have been experimenting with me by leaving the room to answer your pager on several occasions, I was filled with delight at the thought. I wanted desperately for you to be ‘playing with me.’ Doing things to learn more about me.


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discernment & self-care means saying no sometimes

The new manager that I sent my Canada AM story to (along with my resume) didn’t respond to my email. This, after saying how, “We have to get you back in here before next Tuesday …,” and me having sent her these things on (last) Wednesday. So when I went in this last Tuesday, I was quite anxious, and totally unsure what I was going to encounter there. The lady (and Board members) were bumbling along like nothing had happened, completely unaware of what her not getting back to me had felt like. Still talking to me like a future employee, and some kind of super star hero. 
I knew I was going to have to say no to them somehow.
This job is coming out of their needs, and is not a collaboration having anything to do with mine.
My needs seem to be somewhat invisible to them.
And so, it is not a good fit for me.
It sounds so simple. But I have been feeling extreme anxiety over this, over saying no, doubting myself and my perceptions. Slowly, they are coming clear.

It’s like they are so desperate that they don’t care who I am; they just want me to be the superstar they are projecting onto me.
Wow. How could anyone feel safe around that? !

I don’t feel in the least bit seen. This situation is so perfectly reflective of my childhood. No one seeing me; everyone seeing a star in me and turning a blind eye to the rest. No wonder I needed to say no.

I wrote, and sent, an email to her yesterday, declining the employment opening there. It felt good, though  part of me is sad that I am not the right person to help this centre for people with disabilities.

I realize that what I have to say may be disappointing.
I have decided not to pursue the current job opportunity at IL (Independent Living).
The organization is obviously in a massive transition, and no one who knows me from just a few months ago, is there any more. I do not know the board as a whole; two people have left due to stress, and one person has been let go very suddenly.
Having been through burn-out several times in my life, and quite severely last time, I cannot take risks like I used to, and I regret to acknowledge that working for IL at this time would be a risk for me. 
I feel the importance of IL here, very strongly. I want to support it in whatever way I can; and for now, that means remaining as a volunteer in the capacity I have been doing.


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what it took for god to get me to surrender (all the secrets i was holding)

EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING

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what am i afraid of happening again, why I struggle to trust life again, to live again. all the stakes that were so high. all the secrets i was holding: