innerlight


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PS. update on the prayer

Update on the prayer post from yesterday:

The friend eventually did show up yesterday. I called another friend of mine who is qualified in restorative justice, active listening and systemic family constellations. She came over, and my friend sobbed for two hours on the floor of my room while we held him. He had never done this in his life. He then finally slept the night here, on a mattress on my floor. Today, he has had another fight with his Dad, and when I last spoke to him this afternoon, was unsure where he could go to sleep tonight. i share a small one bedroom with my mom, and she does not feel able to extend an offer him to stay here.

This person has lost his original and created family and house; has not been able to work for the last year or so, does not have a diagnosis, and is about to run out of money. His ex is taking him to court for child support, and refusing to communicate with him in any other way. He has not seen his kids in 3 months, and his parents are disregarding his request for them not to have contact with his kids (due to abusive tendencies of his Mother). He feels that all his relationships are falling apart, including those in the recovery world; that there is no safe place for him to be in the world, and he has exhausted all his sources of support. He has stated that he is willing to die for his parents to change, if that’s the only way they will listen to him; that he feels a sense of extreme powerlessness and hopelessness, and that he feels peaceful when he thinks about dying.

I felt like this when I attempted to end things. I think a couple people possibly knew or could sense where I was at, but did not feel confident enough to intervene without my permission, and how do you really ask permission to intervene? It definitely seems like an awkward and scary thing to do. This is an interesting line for me to walk right now. I don’t know if I should be taking action, forcing him to go to the hospital, against his spoken will. I think that if he is meant to make an attempt — whatever the outcome — that his his higher power’s divine will, and nothing but love can come out of it. I continue to pray, offer the support that I can, and let it go to the Universe to look after and work it’s magic on. I’m filled with sadness and wonder at the same time. I wish I had the answers, but I am witnessing some of the most dangerous effects of severe willfulness (see my other post today) that is preventing him from the peace and survival of radical acceptance here. I can only do what I can only do?

(It may seem here that I am obsessing. Really, I have only missed one choir practice because of this. I am keeping myself in check, and not allowing my own life to be upheaved in any way. I am observing, and I am curious, and I am exploring my feelings a little bit here, and putting out more prayers by sharing this with you.)

Luv innerlight.

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for when i’m 80

a snippet of my week in the big city:

2 of my closest friends and i had a day together on Monday. we had been estranged from one another for several years. we took a day trip in a convertible, hiked down to the ocean and ate pie. here is us together again, celebrating everything that brought us to this moment.

music is Ho Hey by The Lumineers


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passing along a great site

I came across this fantastic site via Stacey Pershall’s (author of Loud in the House of Myself) Facebook page. The website is called Role // Reboot, and is chalk full of compassionate, candid, well-written and thought-provoking articles about friendship, relationships and other wonderful slices of life. I’ll start you off with the article that drew me in:

Smoke and Ashes: On the End of A Friendship


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what are you up to this weekend?

"Heart to Heart 2" by Angela Zito

"Heart to Heart 2" by Angela Zito

People who have been to the edges of the earth and back, people on the ‘discovery’ (my word for recovery) path are not always the easiest people to make plans with — myself included. We might be working through a trigger, or experiencing exhaustion, or experiencing foul moods that warrant only the closest and longest-term friends and family members’ company — if that. Since any or all of these things may over-take us at any moment, we may be experienced as being unpredictable. The difference between this and someone who is irresponsible, in my opinion, is that we know this about ourselves and can even begin to celebrate it, and for god’s (the Universe’s) sake, warn people, as I am doing here, with this post; whereas, an irresponsible person will usually deny or try to alter this hard truth about themselves, making it a much more complicated affair to involve oneself with them.

My recent experience this weekend inspired me to appreciate the email dialogue below, which I had with a friend who is also on the recovery path with me lately. I share this with the added and important note that I have been on both sides of this conversation. I share it as a little slice of life, in the lives of us vibrant, (I will dare to say) delightfully-unpredictable and courageously-alive souls. I celebrate that it is hard to make plans with us (me), in the reality that I cannot possibly say yes to even a fraction of the things or people I want to say yes to. And, in this reality, I celebrate the amazingly beautiful and wonderful dialogues that take place over email, and on blogs such as these, in the absence of the energy it takes to be in each others’ live presence.


thoughts about hugs

…..hey..remember………4 hugs a day..that’s the mimimum…8 hugs is for maintenance……16 hugs is for growth….yeah..but from anyone??



reaching out

hey, what are you up to this weekend? stayin’ in and gettin’ homey? walkin’? i’m craving girl-fam at-home time — cooking, baking, crafts, movies, walks. you?


going to bed to watch chi gung

Hi sweet thing……..I’m STILL in a funk..resistance building. I had a memory Fri. of my initial..’original’ fear in life that’s thrown me.

I feel impatient, discombobulated, estranged…and cranky….and the universe throws me the ‘same thing’ back in energy. Sigh…….why bother upsetting myself any more. I just tried a skype call witha good friend and it got defensively prickly within 1 minute!!!!!!!! I had the sense to end it by saying I just needed to end it…different wavelengths…who knows what it really is….I’m so codependent…..esp these past days.. weeks…. yrs … decades ………. sigh … when will I too reach the understanding stage of not attaching to anything either within or without. just staying present …. I’m going to bed to watch a chi gung lesson ……. XOOX


on friendship

I had 1 hug today from mom, though I have been quite irritable with her over her indirect communication style. I am understanding how much shame I took from that dynamic as a child; the irritability is there because all that accumulated pain wants to be seen and validated.

I want a handful of women in my life to make meals with, do homey stuff with, where there is connection but it doesn’t feel like going ‘out.’ like we could hang out in our pajamas all day. I crave this like water; have had it once, in my whole life, for about a year and a half — the only female friends I have really bonded with as an adult. Now we are spread out all over the place, and one of us doesn’t talk to the other three, out of five, and none of them are here in the same town as me, which has basically been the case for several years.

So that’s my whine for now. Sounds like u r processing a major chunk of yourself — I relate to that kind of spiritual / emotional challenge on a semi-weekly basis. You are a pajama woman to me — a kindred spirit — and I commiserate with you on how hard it is to find kindred spirits. Funny, I just had some edginess with one of the women above yesterday — not on the same page. At the end of the conversation, I spoke the vision of holding her head and pressing my forehead to hers and saying “I love you.” She is a survivor of many things, and definitely a kindred spirit / pajama woman. We have been through several fights and banishments — maybe enough to know that our essences love eachother, no matter what is going on. I’ve only felt that kind of longevity with one other, though unfortunately, she tends to run, so we have not spoken with each other for 16 years. I’ll probably never see her again, but the crazy thing is that I still love her, and think of her like family after all these years.

So, relationships in general are as traumatic as their absence?

Anyway, it’s been wonderful thinking of the female relationships in my life, while writing to YOU. A little mini CoDA meeting befor I attempt to sleep 🙂


the voices of so many souls

I want a 4 cub hug…………wah. All I get today is a quick handshake from the coffee shop owner. Imagine the possibilities…being hugged by many beautiful men and women dancing, hugging..let’s choreograph that ……shall we … I feel..slow…. today………many imaginings of good direction……waiting in such suspence for my higher power to ‘guide’ me to my highest purpose…….. No wonder I’m exhausted. I wish I could go with you to ______ ………I could see my Uncle _____ , who’s 83 and lived most of his life there. I’m sooooooooo busy in MYSELF..these old people will drop dead while my life goes on planning……… I wish I could just wake up into eMpowerment…and $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I NEED LOTS OF MONEY………GOD…HIGHER (EVERYBODY). I NEED CHRIST CONSCIOUSNESS……AND…….$$$$$$$$$$$

I could see having a huge house with lots of rooms…(a rooming house)…for women…that come for awhile and take part in all work to rehabilitate in all areas of self empowerment from learning to take care of themselves; developing and sharing their gifts; gardening; cooking; music; storytelling; roleplaying; Qi gong; dance of all sorts; breath work…….meditation(s); dream explorations; chanting; networking; brainstorming; inventing; starting businesses; giving small loans with pre-approval; surrender work; mirror work…..and on and on. AND….WE COULD ALL JUST STAY IN OUR PAJAMAS………………………

At least you had that 1.5 yrs of living in closeness with girl buddies……that was a gift. I still think of a few women I was close with (and actually not THAT bonded..but we hung out for a period and love grew (with attachment) I still wonder about them……and wish them sisterly love. Are you an only child….? I always wanted a sister…have adopted a # of sweet young things…but..I don’t know..I guess distance and my perpetual needing time alone to absorb life…and figure something out….I wish I was more outgoing..I am in some ways..very much so..but need lots of time to think and absorb and integrate rewiring. My whole life I’ve loooked for a best friend..or two…..never found one for very long before irreconcilable differences/betrayals/drifting apart ……..

Gotta go beddybye…and prepare for my client manyana. Have a great sleepybye you pajama sister you. ISEEYOU……….