innerlight


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PS. update on the prayer

Update on the prayer post from yesterday:

The friend eventually did show up yesterday. I called another friend of mine who is qualified in restorative justice, active listening and systemic family constellations. She came over, and my friend sobbed for two hours on the floor of my room while we held him. He had never done this in his life. He then finally slept the night here, on a mattress on my floor. Today, he has had another fight with his Dad, and when I last spoke to him this afternoon, was unsure where he could go to sleep tonight. i share a small one bedroom with my mom, and she does not feel able to extend an offer him to stay here.

This person has lost his original and created family and house; has not been able to work for the last year or so, does not have a diagnosis, and is about to run out of money. His ex is taking him to court for child support, and refusing to communicate with him in any other way. He has not seen his kids in 3 months, and his parents are disregarding his request for them not to have contact with his kids (due to abusive tendencies of his Mother). He feels that all his relationships are falling apart, including those in the recovery world; that there is no safe place for him to be in the world, and he has exhausted all his sources of support. He has stated that he is willing to die for his parents to change, if that’s the only way they will listen to him; that he feels a sense of extreme powerlessness and hopelessness, and that he feels peaceful when he thinks about dying.

I felt like this when I attempted to end things. I think a couple people possibly knew or could sense where I was at, but did not feel confident enough to intervene without my permission, and how do you really ask permission to intervene? It definitely seems like an awkward and scary thing to do. This is an interesting line for me to walk right now. I don’t know if I should be taking action, forcing him to go to the hospital, against his spoken will. I think that if he is meant to make an attempt — whatever the outcome — that his his higher power’s divine will, and nothing but love can come out of it. I continue to pray, offer the support that I can, and let it go to the Universe to look after and work it’s magic on. I’m filled with sadness and wonder at the same time. I wish I had the answers, but I am witnessing some of the most dangerous effects of severe willfulness (see my other post today) that is preventing him from the peace and survival of radical acceptance here. I can only do what I can only do?

(It may seem here that I am obsessing. Really, I have only missed one choir practice because of this. I am keeping myself in check, and not allowing my own life to be upheaved in any way. I am observing, and I am curious, and I am exploring my feelings a little bit here, and putting out more prayers by sharing this with you.)

Luv innerlight.

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a family constellations snippet

I will write more on this at some point. There is just so much happening for me right now that I can’t possibly write about it all and do it justice, so here is another snippet:

'Circle of Friends' by Michael Diven

‘Circle of Friends’ by Michael Diven

I had an amazing day of family constellations on Sunday, and believe that things are already in motion as a result from the constellation I did.

The representative for my Mother kept looking away and up, and saying “Lord almighty!”(my Mother actually does roll her eyes A LOT and exclaim, “Oh, Good Lord!”)

Last night, I had an amazing conversation with Mom — about when it was that her feeling of not fitting in began for her as a girl, how it evolved, how she was a ‘clinger’ and a ‘follower’ through most of grade school and early adulthood; how people always seemed to forget about her and leave her behind (this is her chronic experience in life); and how she has decided that she doesn’t want to fit in anyway and she is happy that way. She expressed the view that needing to fit in is codependent, and I disagreed. It was one of the most important and hard-won disagreements I’ve ever made :). This is the core belief my therapy has centred around for the last several weeks. This is the belief in me that must change so that i am not alone for the rest of my life. I need to stop feeling so different and unique all the time and start feeling like a valid member of society, not in a codependent way, but in the way that we all need and deserve to feel connected, supported, and contributing. I disagree with my Mother that this is a codependent need.


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mending attunement, standing fully in my place

elephants in a row

elephants in a row

Another shoe drops this evening, watching the TV Series Parenthood – a family drama / comedy along similar tastes as Six Feet Under, but a little less dark and twisted.

The show follows several families within a family – dynamics, transitions, realizations of all the diverse family members. In this episode, a 20-something engages in a romance with her boss, in an assistant position created for her by her Aunt, who catches her in her neglege in the hotel room. One is left to presume that the Aunt heard her niece was going on this business trip alone with this older man, had a hunch that something was up, and flew out to rescue her. In the same episode, a teenage boy is uncontrollably upset when he finds out that his mom is planning to have a baby with his step-father. His Mom talks about it with the step-father, and he decides to take the boy out for a burger; later on, the Mom talks to the boy’s father about it, because the boy is unable to articulate his feelings very well with his Mom.

psychotherapy image

psychotherapy image

The thing that struck me was a sadness in me for the fact that I did not grow up in a family like that. I never felt like other family members understood what I was feeling and took loving, supportive action. What it comes down to is that I always felt alone in dealing with what I was feeling – no one knew, and the few times they did, they didn’t respond in a way that spoke understanding, compassion or support to me.

What then struck me is that I have just finally had this experience this weekend, while liquidating my storage unit, back in the place I lived for 8 years before my melt down in the Spring. It was a new experience for me to reach out in the way that I did and ask for what I needed. No, in advance of my speaking up, no one really had the where-with-all to realize the anxiety I felt about going. I had extreme anxiety in the form of raised heart beat and panic attacks in the middle of the night for several weeks leading up to my trip, and in retrospect, the root of that anxiety was the notion that I was going to have to face all my old stuff up there alone, and that my tired brain was simply unable to handle all the details. That I was going to have to cover up the panic inside again, pretend like everything was fine and somehow get it all done without letting the stress show.

That’s what I did for most of my life. I was an ice burg, in quiet, frozen desperation, so well automatically hidden, I cannot blame myself for seeing no hope. It took a natural disaster from the universe to melt.

My friends this weekend showed me the kind of love in this episode of Parenthood – the kind of love I always wanted, and thought that I just didn’t deserve. I thought that I didn’t deserve it because what I was feeling was grotesque and unacceptable, that there was something horribly wrong with me. If I was normal, I wouldn’t have to hide so much, and people wouldn’t leave me alone so much.

The kind of damage I sustained in my childhood is not overtly even close to so many other stories of abuse. The sources of dysfunction in myself are far more subtle, every single one of them. I illustrate the reason that not everyone who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder was abused , in the typical sense of the word, in their childhoods. I have lived with chronic confusion about how I really am in the world, because I have been so confused about where I have come from – did I come from abuse, or am I being a drama queen? Do I have feelings and reactions that are not normal, or am I only choosing to see it that way? This was the endless loop of confusion I lived in. The definition of cause for BPD by Tami Green opened the door to a lot of clarity for me: A sensitive child who does not receive the extra attention and validation he or she needs in order to develop secure attachment. I am back to my previous post about how abuse is a completely subjective experience.

I’m appreciating the perspective and understanding in myself about the pressure I felt to be a sensation, without the social and emotional supports so many take for granted. Add perfectionism, sensory and emotional intensity to that, and you have a pretty good recipe for the disaster that was my life.

Another wave of grieving, compassion, mending, loving. A particle of light in some deep reserve in me.

Source Image: Tribe Jewelry by Gayle Mahoney

Source Image: Tribe Jewelry by Gayle Mahoney