Leave a comment

Kevin Breel on TEDxKids

I wept watching this. “Embracing your light does not mean ignoring the dark.” “I’m going through hell / I am too, and that’s okay.” Show our weaknesses. Dark is not taboo.

Please share widely.

Kevin Breel on TEDxYouth on what will stop more suicides



Leave a comment

from the other side of me


heartsontree“May all our circles continue to grow — with unprecedented compassion, playfulness and wisdom — infinitely and abundantly, to include each other, all living beings and all life its self. May each of us find our voice and the courage to speak it, and live it. May we know one-ness and grace like never before, and may no one being be forgotten or excluded from this movement. This is the apocalypse. It is not the kind of dramatic, over-night event so many have thought. It has been rolling in for many years inside the hearts of the old souls, artists, dreamers, change-makers and sufferers. The tide has been turning one heart at a time, like mist that rolls into the fields at night. Slowly we have suffered enough, and so we are transformed, and so the world is changed, one person at a time.”


embracing the self-saboteur


Subconscious (Photo credit: kevin dooley)

I asked a friend of mine over email today if there was a subconscious place in her that believes (one thing or another) and that holds her back from achieving or manifesting what it is she truly desires. It’s funny how particular people in our lives can shed light on things in very particular ways some times.

That question to her lingered in my mind when I pressed send, and I realized that I’ve arrived at a different place with such questions. I used to hear them with a should in them. Like I should be able to go, “Oh, it’s my subconscious, and this is why, and now I get it.” I used to hear it like someone saying, it’s easy to change the subconscious once you become conscious of it. That awareness (not time?) can heal all wounds.

When I ask this question to myself (what subconscious beliefs am I holding on to that are sabotaging my life?), I now simply remove the expectation that it is easy to change these subconscious beliefs.

There are those with mental illnesses who are unable to become aware of such subconscious beliefs, and there are those who are able. I think what defines a mental illness is that in either case, these core beliefs have such adverse affects on our lives that they are significantly and chronically compromised; and changing these core beliefs is a miraculous and sometimes impossible feat.

It’s not a case of choosing to focus on the negative, or a lack of self-discipline, or a resistance to change; it’s a chronic mental-emotional condition with grave effects on a person’s life.

I’m not saying it’s not possible to change on this level — every person’s journey is unique, and good psychotherapists are out there (even if there’s no funding for them here in BC). I’m just saying that it isn’t as easy as pop psychology / new age self-help philosophies seem to claim. We cannot simply ‘choose to be happy.’ We can respond to the intensity and the range of emotion with as much compassion and understanding as possible, continue to learn from it as much as possible, and live our lives accordingly to the time, space and energy this requires. We can stop trying to fit in with the status quo who do not understand this reality. We live on a deeper level of challenge and humility that is, as I have so often said on here, as much a blessing as a curse. If, in this society, I must be labeled as disabled in order to live the lifestyle that allows me to be at all functional, then a) that says something about this society, and b) so be it. Call it whatever you want to call it.

While it may be nearly impossible to change them, it is still worth trying, and continuing to strive for at least a greater degree of understanding that allows us to be compassionate towards ourselves and others, and make healthy decisions for all involved.

When I spoke the question to another, I realized that I spoke it with this new understanding. I did not mean to come across as if it were easy to change the self-saboteur, but to convey and encourage curiosity and compassion for this human condition that affects all of us to various degrees.

Thanks L 🙂


dialectics, again + confirmation: i am not faking it. i am not a fraud.

enabling vs. support

isolation vs. time alone to feel

relaxation vs. laziness

overcoming fears vs. entering unsafe situations and betraying ourselves.

extraordinarily gifted vs. disabled and less-fortunate

young woman or old hag

young woman or old hag (unknown artist)

the trigger

I spent the weekend with a group of fellow ACA members (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) at a ski resort several hours away from where I live.

Having known several of these folks as an off-and-on member of their recovery group for the past year, I didn’t think twice about spending several days with them in a remote location.

They were safe, they were friends and fellow survivors; and as such, their friends were my friends.

I had what could be called by the psychiatric profession an episode (?). I yelled and swore and sobbed hysterically for over an hour, and was left alone in this state, but in clear ear shot of the 9 other members in the house.

I had become exhausted skiing and had not headed my instinct to rest. I had then become over-stimulated and gone into a state of extreme shyness, insecurity, social phobia.

Unable to join the group at dinner upstairs, I stayed in my bunk downstairs after a nap and phoned a friend with trauma and ptsd experience. I didn’t feel able to hide what was going on for me, but I also didn’t know how or if to share it with the group. She helped me identify that I was approaching a potential crisis state, and we decided that I would call up to the woman who had invited me to be there that weekend and ask if she would bring me some food in my bed.

The crisis became full blown when this request triggered the woman who owned the house to come storming down to my bedroom and inform me that there was no room service in her house. When I told her I had a medical condition that prevented me from coming up to the living room area, she demanded to know what it was, saying she had a right to know because it was her house. When I told her, she said that I should have thought twice about coming there in the first place; that her house was a place of joy and community. When I asked to speak with the woman who had invited me to the weekend, the owner of the condo said that she would not allow it, that she would not allow her friends to be burdened with negative feelings while they were staying in her house. That I could come up and join them when I felt ready to be in a positive space.

In the midst of all that, I had began to cry, then sob, then yell and swear at her through my sobbing, while covering my face and curling into a ball before becoming completely inaudible in my efforts to defend myself.

She personified my initial wounding. Then, the rest of the group personified it by the fact that despite my loud and uncontrollable sobbing went on for over an hour, no one came down to be with me. I was left alone, in shame and exile for how I was feeling. I phoned my ptsd friend again, and we decided that I was not in a safe place, and that I needed to find a way to get out of there as soon as possible, all through the sobbing, the whole conversation quite audible to the rest of the group upstairs if they had stopped to listen. I have no idea. From the snippets of sound I was hearing from them, it sounded as if they had simply continued with their evening, laughing and joking and being the happy recovery family. I then called my CoDA sponsor, who was sympathetic and actually in shock to hear what was going on with this group of ACA members, but completely stand-offish when it came to action, such as driving to pick me up or speaking with another member there at the house with me. She told me I would have to call on my higher power like never before to endure and survive and reminded me that I was physically safe.

When the rest of the group left to go tubing down the hill that night, I was alone in the house. I called two more CoDA people, who made me laugh and start to feel like myself again. I tried to find out if there were any shuttles out of there sooner than my ride with the others down the hill the following afternoon, but to no avail. So I packed up my things from the common living space and prepared to spend the next 12 hours in my bed, reading, writing, listening to music and anything else to forget where I was.

When the group came home, there was not privacy. I was sleeping in a bunk with one other, tucked in a passage way from the boot room of the house to the basement stairway. By now, I had calmed down and was able to accept the reality of being there, having to honour myself and my experience and relate to the others in the way that the situation needed me to in order to survive it. Two women ended up in my room with me, and after I joined into their banter about what had happened on the tubing hill for a few minutes, they asked me how I was doing. I told them that I was ready to go, simply passing the time until the next day when I could go home; that I did not feel welcome in this home. I told them what had happened for me, and that I had never lost it like that in front of others (in retrospect, I don’t think I’d actually lost it like that, period). They fostered the viewpoint of objectivity, understanding and non judgement, and encouraged me that everyone else was also of that mindset and that they would be happy if I was able to come up and join them for the evening.

And so I did. Without betraying my own reality, and with a bubble of protection from those I had spoken to on the phone, I was able to be present with myself and with the others. I endured until the next day and made it home.

In the car, it became clear that no one was going to bring it up. That if I remained silent and removed for the rest of the trip, that was going to be how it would end. So, I came out and asked for a clearing about what had happened and they engaged willingly.

They identified that the condo owner had been triggered, which had disrupted the interaction of me asking for help, and expressed sadness that I had had a traumatic experience this weekend. They told me that the condo owner had witnessed the woman I’d asked to speak with in a suicidal state, codependently wrapped up in other people’s dramas, and that this was a life-time pattern of hers. They said that if I had included in my request for some food, the reason why I was requesting it, that the exchange would also have gone quite differently. That when there was no explanation for why, it seemed strange, and they didn’t understand. The unspoken general response from the group became that I was being manipulative for attention, and that appeasing my request would be an act of what the 12-step community calls ‘enabling.’ In the 12-step sense, enabling describes the situation of bringing a six pack of beer to an alcoholic, in essence, enabling the dysfunction to continue. So to their minds, their response (or lack of) had been coming from a loving and compassionate place.

In that clearing in the car, another member related to the state of intense social phobia — the intense feelings of shame and shyness, and feeling unable to be around people. Her response however then went into how she had learned that if she was able to find the strength to ‘fake it until she made it’ she was almost always fine, and the fear diminished.

In the moment, I said nothing. My face glazed over and I stared far out into the distance through the car windows.


Since I’ve been home, I have been sleeping very little and processing a lot, alternating between empowerment & revelation and overwhelm & shame.
I feel like an outsider of the world.
Faking It

Faking It (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Part of my digestion was also around this notion of ‘faking it ’till you make it’ and realizing that once again, this approach is the opposite of healthy for me. I faked it till I made it in every moment of living for the first half of my life, and did it so well as to land myself in situations of impossible and unsustainable expectations. ‘Faking it ’till I made it’ betrayed myself, so long that it became a trauma in itself. I was untrustworthy. I was untruthful. I became exhausted, increasingly depressed, increasingly disconnected from myself and others. The greater the disconnect, the greater the over-compensation. My sense of self disintegrated and all that was left was a hollow shell and a scam. I was living a lie.

‘Faking it …’ is a death potion to me. The ultimate rejection of Self, a kind of suicide. That my strength must be real and authentic, or not at all, is a matter of life or death.

This process of radical honesty in order to heal means being at times awkward — strange — inappropriate. My understanding of 12-step fellowship was that we can accept this about each other and not react with suspicion or avoidance as others who are not in recovery often do.

In our pain, fear, confusion and over-compensation, we can hurt others just as we have been hurt ourselves so long ago. And so the initial wound lives on, passed on, from one wounded soul to another.

'Cracked' by Stephen Kline

‘Cracked’ by Stephen Kline

There’s a basic human instinct that tells us to help someone who is in distress. Of all the places I’d expect that to be missing, ACA is the last. Ironically, I don’t think anyone in CoDA would have left me to sob loudly and hysterically for an hour while carrying on jovially. Nor would they have pretended like nothing happened for the rest of the weekend until I asked for a clearing about it in the car. Even then, I don’t feel they got it. They felt proud of how their little recovery family had handled the situation because no one had acted codependently. no one had rescued anyone else. No one had been enabled.
If a man is dying on the side of the road, do we expect him to ask for help as we pass by? Are we enabling his dysfunction by helping him without his direct request?
So in the attempt to end codependency (and enabling), we can become the source of the initial abandonment and shame for others. And so the legacy continues, the wide pendulums from one extreme to another that bounce and ricochet down the tree of generations.
My trauma friend says that her and many of her peers have experienced this with 12-step groups — the hyper -vigilance and -discipline that can re-traumatize someone in trauma recovery. People in her trauma treatment program avoid 12-step work for the very experience I have had — the tragic and ironic absence of basic human compassion and caring that is the reason we are all here in recovery.
In the effort to rid ourselves of addiction, the heart gets thrown out with the bath water.

In recovery, it takes a lot to love ourselves. It is our life’s journey in getting well. And just as it isn’t easy to love ourselves, it is sometimes just as hard to love each other.

And yet, this is our only hope. If we cannot love ourselves and each other, who will?

I am no longer sure of the right healing place for me to be. I’m not sure if ACA is a safe place for me to be. I am floating in the ether.


9_fence_posts (unknown artist)

enabling vs. support

isolation vs. time alone to feel

relaxation vs. laziness

overcoming fears vs. entering unsafe situations and betraying ourselves.

extraordinarily gifted vs. disabled and less-fortunate

We live on these fence posts because of the split that our dysfunctional upbringings created in us. The chronic doubting of our own impulses and inclinations, the questioning of what is real, the unrelenting base of confusion, the existential angst that rots our foundations like a termite. We abandon ourselves and each other. Mistrust ourselves and each other.

From the perspective of my diagnosed illness, this situation is a stellar example of it. That I can have that kind of experience — externalized or not ,– that I can lose control of my emotions to such an extent, and then talk about it so sanely and with such clarity is an illustration of the split in me between my mind and my heart.

I believe it is a distinct characteristic of my illness.

It is an illness because it confuses people. It confuses me.

I get mis-diagnosed and mis-understood.

People think I am being manipulative for attention.

And in my own confusion, I feel like a two-faced fraud.

Related articles


making amends with a narcissist

my sponsor in codependents anonymous said yesterday how it is a commonly held truth that codependents tend to chronically attract narcissistic partners; codependents and narcissists are perfect matches for each other. i resonated with this because as i have been reading about narcissists lately, their symptoms and the ways they lie remind me of every partner i’ve been with. my most recent break-up, which i blogged about in trusting perception + trauma is trauma, i am finding it challenging to be finished with the dysfunction of our exchange. he is an artist and just entering the community of an artspace i help to promote. i am actually fuming today, which is why i am posting again. i feel like if i don’t get this off my chest some how, i will implode. the anger is acidic. grrrrr! i wish i was above this; i pray to be above it soon. so, this is the jist of my rant:

putting up his boundaries of defense with tiny knives to “protect” himself from dangers he has made up in me. It is only so he can hide from his own. anyone worth knowing will see this also, as time tells because time does tell. he will stay stuck in his isolation until he is able to turn the mirror. an objective and evolved person would pray for him. I pray to be that person, for my higher power to remove the fear and outrage from me, this trigger of being the only one to see, thinking that I am the one who is cra-z.


compassion (unknown source): Deep awareness of the suffering of another without the need to relieve it, feeling total appreciation for its value; a state of non-judgement.