innerlight

on leaving

 

Change.       Everything.       Leave.       Everything.

illustration of leave

What is my identity in the world now, and where will I go from here? Do I need to leave this place and start one more time anew, or would that be considered running from my troubles and ultimately unhealthy?

She said you want to leave when things are really good, but you have the first inkling, when there are still things to be done, but it is just time to go. I said it is so hard to know the difference between running and ‘time to go’. I felt like a failure for wanting to leave everything, but maybe if i’d listened to that urge a year and a half ago, things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. And i have had that hindsight before as well, looking back on my experience in a place and seeing when i should have left but didn’t, clinging to a good thing until the lights go out and the oxygen runs out and i find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time for everything.

I needed to give myself permission to change my life in a big way, but i have felt so many times that i couldn’t give myself permission to do it again. I felt ashamed of making so many big changes in direction. Why can’t i just choose something and follow through with it, take it all the way; why can’t I see something through to fruition, something bigger than myself and a greater feeling of connection?

2 thoughts on “on leaving

  1. kind of chilling to read someone else’ words that I previously thought were just mine.

    This is beautiful. Well said.

  2. thank you, Meredith. this is the beauty of blogging. in love, UG (underground)

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