innerlight

identity confusion

crevice

The Crevice

Once again, I didn’t know what to believe. The crevice between the two worlds — 1) There’s nothing wrong with me; it’s how I’m choosing to see myself and 2) There IS something wrong with me and I need to get honest with myself and others and stop over-compensating — this crevice opened up wide, and I fell down the middle because I couldn’t decide.

Pleasure or Distraction

'ray of hope' by mortI was never able to make sense of these two extremes in me, and always on the fence about which one i should run with. Am I strong and passionate with great ideas, talent and drive to make them happen or am i the person who feels like she is always just distracting herself from the dark and vast hollow pit of isolation that consumes me from time to time and makes me forget what the light of “day” looks like.

Inconsistent Soul

'Compassion' by Mary SouthardI lose my soul sometimes and forget who I am. Sometimes I am giddy, goofy, adventurous, prophetic, sporadic, ambitious and a little scattered; other times I am shy, insecure and antisocial. In the middle, I am warm, wise, calm, articulate and caring.

My personality is so vastly divided as to create a mass confusion in me—and often others–about who I am. It’s hard to know if it’s real when it comes and goes so uncontrollably and so drastically that the highs seem like a dream when I am low, and the lows seem like a dream when I am high (as in “normal” or manic).

The only way to stop being confused and confusing is to accept that I am all of these things, and be open about it.

I cannot continue to push myself to “straighten up” and get consistent. I am a deeply artistic, intelligent and inconsistent soul.

'distored self portrait' by Taylor Cox

Objective Viewpoint

I guess i so wanted confirmation that what i am feeling inside is actually happening; i wanted to have it confirmed by another person. But of course, no one wants to be the one to say, yeah, I thought you might be mentally ill.

(unknown artist ...)

Where Am I Now

By night, i feel like everything is ok; but each morning, i have forgotten. Is life good, or is it a mess and everything’s falling apart and i should be seeking out help? Which side of me do i believe? It’s the classic dilemma for me of whether i’m exceptionally capable or exceptionally not and the damning illusion that it is a choice.

'Chaos Theory' Fractal Art by Vicky Brago-Mitchell

Aftermath

In childhood, I was repeatedly and then traumatically invalidated and abandoned. The foundation of my ability to perceive reality was neglected, bombed and then left to rot. Inside me there is this chronic landscape of the aftermath; rubble, chaotic and desolate disarray.

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4 thoughts on “identity confusion

  1. I can relate. =)

    I’m in the recovery/discovery process. In my journey, I have a read lots of books on Buddhism and mindfulness. One book I like a lot: No Self, No Problem, by Anan Thubten. I think it’s only the Westerners that feel the need to have a fixed identity, because the Buddhists seem to think identity is an just illusion of the ego.

    Looking forward to reading your blog.

    Casey

  2. Wow… your “Crevice” really hit home.

  3. Dysphoria is an excellent term. It means a state of discomfort and detachment at the same time. Most people use it ie Gender Dusphoria to describe people who are confused about their sexual identity, but taken more broadly it describes an emotional state where you don’t know what your feelngs are. I experienced Dysphoria so much before recovery that to me it was normal to just feel a constant state of shit*y all the time. Its sorta like depression but it is more ‘aroused’ than that. There are elements of Derealism in this state as well.

  4. They call this “identity diffusion” and it is a primary characteristic in BPD. You described it very well. A good therapist would have helped you to understand this and not feel so alone with it.

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