Once again, I didn’t know what to believe. The crevice between the two worlds — 1) There’s nothing wrong with me; it’s how I’m choosing to see myself and 2) There IS something wrong with me and I need to get honest with myself and others and stop over-compensating — this crevice opened up wide, and I fell down the middle because I couldn’t decide.
Pleasure or Distraction
I was never able to make sense of these two extremes in me, and always on the fence about which one i should run with. Am I strong and passionate with great ideas, talent and drive to make them happen or am i the person who feels like she is always just distracting herself from the dark and vast hollow pit of isolation that consumes me from time to time and makes me forget what the light of “day” looks like.
I lose my soul sometimes and forget who I am. Sometimes I am giddy, goofy, adventurous, prophetic, sporadic, ambitious and a little scattered; other times I am shy, insecure and antisocial. In the middle, I am warm, wise, calm, articulate and caring.
My personality is so vastly divided as to create a mass confusion in me—and often others–about who I am. It’s hard to know if it’s real when it comes and goes so uncontrollably and so drastically that the highs seem like a dream when I am low, and the lows seem like a dream when I am high (as in “normal” or manic).
The only way to stop being confused and confusing is to accept that I am all of these things, and be open about it.
I cannot continue to push myself to “straighten up” and get consistent. I am a deeply artistic, intelligent and inconsistent soul.
I guess i so wanted confirmation that what i am feeling inside is actually happening; i wanted to have it confirmed by another person. But of course, no one wants to be the one to say, yeah, I thought you might be mentally ill.
Where Am I Now
By night, i feel like everything is ok; but each morning, i have forgotten. Is life good, or is it a mess and everything’s falling apart and i should be seeking out help? Which side of me do i believe? It’s the classic dilemma for me of whether i’m exceptionally capable or exceptionally not and the damning illusion that it is a choice.
In childhood, I was repeatedly and then traumatically invalidated and abandoned. The foundation of my ability to perceive reality was neglected, bombed and then left to rot. Inside me there is this chronic landscape of the aftermath; rubble, chaotic and desolate disarray.
- Identity Versus Confusion – Psychology Definition of the Week (psychology.about.com)