falling down / getting back up again

tarot image for judgment by David Palumbo

tarot image for judgment by David Palumbo

Though it has always felt new to begin again, I can appreciate that this might just be the nature of my existence, and enjoy the exploration and freedom of discovery along the way, each new beginning.

Of course, every other new beginning has also felt new, but again, here I am. I have survived through to another revelationary start. What is it like to be unabashedly vulnerable and dependent?

Can i have no history? Is that not like cutting off my legs? The guilt and shame and embarrassment of so many decapitated relationships that pile up like rotting body parts inside me until I’ve erased myself. what to do with the bodies inside. Where do I turn myself in.

There is a lot of healing to do. There is a long way to go.

I woke up in the early morning. My car and my clothes were covered in vomit and alcohol.

Lest i forget; lest i move on without a thorough sweep underneath the rug, extermination, integration of dust mites and closet monsters for without a single doubt, i know that another encounter like the ones I have had would not be survivable.

I am reluctant to feel better. Because I have been through so many therapies and revelations and new beginnings and have continued to end up falling off the planet at the end of all of them, and the older I get, the farther there is to fall. What is the point of beginning again? But, here I am. The universe has chosen that I live to begin again.

We do not have authority over living or not. Life goes on, and we continue to grow whether we want to or not. Life and growth are unstoppable forces within.

Everything ego-based eventually comes tumbling down — everything we attempt to hide is inevitably and relentlessly exposed. The solution is to stop hiding it. Nothing can bring us to our knees if we are already there.

All my castles had fallen; the air was still clearing of smoke and ash. The landscape was dust and rubble, but the night had finally ended. It was a poignant and bittersweet sunrise. It was the aftermath. the pain and the beauty of letting go, accepting the end of the world and facing the morning after. I felt myself returning to the garden after the epic journey of my life. I felt incredible loss and grief, but I still had my hope and curiosity. They were like old Teddy bears in the attic.


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