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Farther On

This song, by the Alaska String Band has been replaying over and over in my mind for the last week since my roommate first played it for me.

All religious language of God and Jesus aside here (I am not a religious person in any sense of the word), it’s as if my inner one wanted me to hear this when I tried to take my life two and a half years ago. She wants me to hear this now, to comfort me, and reassure me, and help me heal from that time. I’m not sure where she ends and my higher power begins. She and my highest self are the same. This was her voice, steady and unwavering, and which I couldn’t hear. It’s as if she is singing it to me now, telling me how much she loves me. She takes my hand, and tells me she is there, has always been there, and will never leave me. She will never stop singing this song to me. This is her voice now and always.

“Farther on, still go farther … Jesus will foresake you never. It is better farther on.”


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timid child


INNOCENCE/GUILT (Photo credit: ~fyrfli~)

timid child
so much fear i've been living with
feeling unsafe and doing it anyway
so much energy that took, for so long
trying to have courage
think positively
don't listen to the darkness
you can do anything
you're special.

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living amends

It’s not a sense of entitlement; it’s the need to make a living amends to the Child within. To do things differently than they have been done in the past — to replace the unworthiness and the unloveability, with worthiness and loveability, on the most basic of levels, which cannot be accessed or changed with words.

A living amends to me is expressing and validating all the unspoken things in a way that is un-deniably reflective of the past lack, aka abandonment. Saying to my Child, “That shouldn’t have happened; here’s what should have. Here is what a healthy response would have been.”

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what’s your book cover

I’ve been having book covers and titles coming to me. What, if anything, I ever end up doing with them, it seems like part of my therapy to express them. What is your book cover?


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on grieving and recovering identity

Quote from the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel:

“Is it really them we are grieving for, or is it our own loss we are mourning? Have we traveled far enough that we can allow our tears to fall?”

My response — why this quote speaks so deeply to me:

“One by one, the tears are allowed to fall — the things that have happened in the past that affect our present sense of well-being in the world,

because of the unseen truth in them, and the resulting loss of identity.

In recovery, we come far enough to remember those events and experiences, see and feel the truth of them, grieve them and finally shed them, like tears.

With every “tear” shed, we reclaim a part of our identity, and integrate it into our present sense of well-being. Each is an integral part of what has brought us here, and the gifts that we are here to give.”  

— Innerlight



(Photo credit: armigeress)

“Was it the disease that took me down so many times, or were all those times reflecting more the extent of the damage I was carrying? What then is this word ‘disease’? We cannot separate the body from the spirit. An ailment in one inevitably becomes an ailment in the other.”   — Innerlight

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letting the ghosts out of the closet

photo by Sean McGrath via Creative Commons
photo by Sean McGrath via Creative Commons

The root of my dis-ease is that no on admitted to seeing the ghosts in my closet, the “heads on my table“.

I’m confused on whether or not they’re even real, and this disturbs my sense of confidence and well-being in the world.

When I name a ghost, it flies out of the closet and re-integrates. It is the seeing and naming that is the work.