i was diagnosed as a high-functioning, inwards borderline in july 2011. i find the line between mental illness and trauma recovery to be a very fine one.

regardless of any ailment, it’s characteristics, or what it might be labeled, i believe the goal (for any human being) is the same.

maybe a better word to describe the process of finding health and happiness would be “discovery” rather than “recovery”.  discovery then, is a permanent shift in outlook and lifestyle, to a very authentic path of self-awareness, compassion and empowerment that leads us to a higher place in life than we ever could have imagined before our discovery began.

if we have lost our sense of equilibrium and well-being in trauma, illness or injury, there is no going “back” to health. we are forever changed, and there is nothing to recover.

and that is the gift we have been given. not everyone in this world gets to experience transformation like we do. i like to think that we are more alive than ever, and that not everyone gets to experience this degree of being alive — it’s a trade off, not a judgement of value or worth.

in this way, i can be grateful to be me, on a good day. i can seek out others who have also received this type of calling, the souls who came for a deeper challenge, and for the discoveries we could make along the way.

whatever you have come for, thanks for visiting my blog here. the look and layout can change as often and drastically as i do sometimes, so come often, make yourself at home.


10 thoughts on “about

  1. Hi,

    Life is difficult when you are ill and Christmas is really difficult so I hope you are coping with it. I have had more than my fair share of illness and I’ve been on the other side and done counselling. The important thing is to keep trying and not even think about giving up. I always question what doctors say and I thought CBT was absolute rubbish! It is a cheap therapy that isn’t very effective, but counselling is expensive and time consuming. What can be done? There seems to be a generalised problem that needs addressing concerning how people relate to one another.

    Try to enjoy the rest of Christmas and just do your best.

  2. thanks for visiting, and for the kind words Mike and Sarah. i am being cared for by my own higher power, magnificently, today and in the last few days. It is not any external cause that is fulfilling me, in the face of extremely minimalist christmas festivities and family connections in the world — it is that i have experienced the joy of giving, random connection with extended family for the first time in 10 years, via skype; wonderful, life-changing conversations with my mother and fellow CoDA members, and most-importantly, an inner sense of “brimming” — contentedness, joy, trust, spaciousness and curiosity. I wish the same to any person in the world–the healing power of the Greatest Love …

  3. You are very brave in opening yourself up and speaking from your heart so honestly. I wish you well in your growth and healing. My most recent ex- has BPD also, but hers is comorbid with Antisocial tendencies if not full-blown Antisocial Personality Disorder. My life with her for the past 2+ years has been a constant one foot in one foot, “I love you more than anyone ever before, John, you are such an incredible and honorable guy” to her leaving me and moving out and back to NY (700 miles away)–just packing her kids in the car and a few suitcases and leaving our home while I was at work–no warning; she’s done it three or four times….the most recent time (a month ago) I just came home to an empty house and all of my money ($700) gone, plus a camera, dvd player, etc. The lying and the deception was the worse thing…plus knowing that she was effin’ up her kids (she was a widoe, her soon to be ex- husband died of a stroke, or was it heartbreak, the day before she was going to leave him (again)….I’ve written about much of this on my blog.

    I wish you well. Namaste and kindest regards,


  4. thanks, John. it seems like the most brilliant people are also the most eff’d in relationship. she must have had that brilliance for you to be with her, but the cost of that brilliance is sometimes too high, on everyone. wishing you clarity and vision in finding the brilliance balance. you know more now than you did before … warmly, underground.

  5. Until I swallowed some unpalatable truths about myself I wouldn’t recover. From one BC’er to another, keep on keeping on!

  6. Hi Underground,

    Thanks for contacting me about Guild Membership. I had an opportunity late last night/early this morning to pop across and spend a little time reading your blog and I think you and your blog would be a great addition to our membership.

    I am therefore happy to confirm that I have therefore today added your blog name to our Guild Members list

    As a Guild Member you are fully entitled to display the Guiuld logo on your blog and there are instruction to help you with this on that same pag should you need them.

    You are also entitled to enter any competitions that we run and to hand out the Warrior Child Award to any blogger or blog which/who inspires you.

    I hope all that makes sense and that you enjoy your membership with us. But if there is anything that I can do to help or if you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

    Kind Regards

    Mental Health Writers’ Guild

  7. I enjoy the candid sharing. Bi-Polar here. All the best!

  8. I have BPD, too, and feel your pain, yo. I wanted to let you know I really like your blog and I nominated you for the Liebster Award. Check out my blog (P) for the details. (

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