innerlight

Trigger #2millionfourtytwo.five:

6 Comments

How am I:

I’m either in crisis, incredibly scared and shaky and just barely staying out of the hospital right now OR I’m doing more wonderful than I’ve ever been. Coming to bloom in the garden of life. Experiencing enlightenment. A bright shining light of inspiration and wisdom. Enjoying summer and friends and my happy new home.

On Friday, I began the day by reaching out for help in the face of having been distracted by increasing thoughts of how to kill myself, feeling hopeless, that no one was ever going to get me. Coming up with a plan for how to stay alive over the weekend, alone in the house with my roommate gone. It was an accomplishment that this was taken seriously and I received the caring I needed in order to have a re-do.

That the doc was not treating me less seriously than the ones who act out instead of hold it all in. That I need to feel the depth of these feelings in someone else’s presence, and how hard that is. Finally, I felt got!

I went for a walk with a friend that afternoon, mentioned nothing to her of my morning or what was going on. Took her lead instead to speak about writing and indulge ourselves in simple time together in the sun by the river, feeling peaceful and content and having good conversation about creativity and healing. Feeding the creative muses in both of us.

I got home, thawed out some home-made chili from the freezer, ate it, and went to my ACA meeting.

As soon as I walked in the door, I was struck by the feeling of not knowing how I was – was I in crisis, or was I enjoying the fruits of my labour in life? I honestly did not know.

This confusion was (is) so terrifying for me that I went into shock. I felt the Dead Feeling in my body and face, barely able to rouse a facial expression, sitting slumped in my chair, unable to look at anyone. Managing to read aloud my part in the opening to the meeting, managing to function just barely enough to not disrupt the meeting or draw attention to myself, and meanwhile sliding further into shock and the Silent Panic.

By the end of the meeting, it was so intense that I reached out for help, and concluded with a close recovery friend that I should not spend the night alone, and should go to the hospital if I couldn’t get a hold of anyone else to stay with.

The recovery friend went back into the meeting room for the second part of the meeting, and I moved to my car with my cell phone to find a place to go that night. I finally cried and shook when she hugged me good night. I was really scared and not in control of myself – not myself, and feeling exposed in that state, unable to think clearly and make decisions.

I couldn’t get a hold of anyone on the phone, so I decided to show up at someone’s house. But it was near the hospital too, so maybe I should just go there. I turned around several times, driving back and forth between the person’s house and the hospital, eventually up to the hospital. But then I realized I was almost out of smokes, and didn’t want to spend the night in the emerg room without smokes. So I went home and continued my phone search. By this time, my abdomen was in pain, enough for me to be slightly doubled over and moving quite slowly. I equate this with emotional stress, as that is where it tends to be stored in my body. I spoke with a couple other recovery friends, telling them what was happening. But they were unable to put me up for the night. I had never reached out in this way before.

Finally found someone who could. As soon as I left the house, on my way to be with someone in my time of need, I felt calmer, and began to come out of the shock and panic.

By the next morning, I felt like myself again. I invited some people for a potluck, made soup, and went for a hike and a swim with the same friend as the previous day.

This friend had no idea that my visits with her had been sandwiched between near admission to the hospital.

Is this real yet? What will it take for my Child to believe that her pain is real, her feelings are real, her distress is valid. What has been happening to me?

Does this not sound insane?

It scares me that I have this range, and the capacity for such extremes.

 

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

6 thoughts on “Trigger #2millionfourtytwo.five:

  1. We all do have that kind of capacity for extremes. Fortunately, we don’t usually end up squeezing all of it into one day at least not every, but you do at least some of the time. You are right that it’s a little scary, but maybe that is part of what it means to be you. It’s okay to be that way. Perhaps more time in the middle of the road would be more comfortable, but the capacity for extremes is not a bad thing. Life itself can be pretty extreme sometimes.

    • “maybe that is part of what it means to be you.” I take great comfort in that. It is grounding, confirming, I feel witnessed and heard in the way that I haven’t been in the past. So many people telling me that I’m seeing things negatively, being hard on myself, etc. This has made me question if I am perceiving myself / reality accurately, and filled me with self-doubt and innaction around every corner. The more I can learn/ begin to start trusting my perceptions, the more I can begin to explore how to accept that I am this way, and play my cards in the best way possible. Love you blog, Ashana. So glad to connect. Aho.

    • Ashana, On a technical note, regarding your blog, I’m wondering — Did you have to pay money to get the slide show of posts, and the static cactus image in the background? Thanks 🙂

      • No, that’s a free theme from WordPress. It is called The Sight. It automatically puts your last 6 posts at the top as a slide show unless you select different ones as “sticky” posts. The theme lets you customize the background and the header. I left the header plain except the color of the text, but the background is a photo I took last summer at a garden. I’m glad you liked the theme.

  2. I hate/love when I read another person’s experience and realize I am not alone in the world of BPD. Thank you for your post. Sending good thoughts your way.

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