when i look at myself in the mirror, I frequently experience feeling suddenly exposed by my appearance. i have been out in the world looking like that, and no one said anything?
when i express myself, i frequently experience feeling suddenly mortified by what I have written or said. i shared that? what was i thinking?
I experience catastrophic self-doubt, humiliation, mortification.
it’s as if everyone can see right through the lie in me, what i am unknowingly trying to hide.
everyone knows but me, until the retrospect and i am aghast.
don’t look in the mirror,
and don’t present. just be.
that is my sanity.
my transparency & humility with all of this,
my acceptance of more than one Self and the fact that they disagree with, and contradict, each other sometimes,
my acceptance of the fact that i am not consistent and coherent —
that, is even more my sanity.
it’s so much more than vanity and being hard on myself; it’s a fluctuating sense of identity and confidence, that changes so drastically and frequently that i cannot keep up.
i can only accept this reality and live transparently with it.
view it with curiosity and share the adventure.