innerlight

Surrender Manifesto

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Denial

Denial (Photo credit: Gingertail)

Hi, my name is (_), and I’m in recovery from the denial, abandonment, fear, self-hatred and shame that I internalized from the emotional abuse and neglect I survived in my family of origin.

These aspects of family dysfunction are equally present and destructive, whether substance abuse or physical abuse was present or not.

They have taken from me the ability to initiate and cope with change in order to grow and thrive.

They have caused a complete paralysis in my life – an on-going internal crisis of identity, humiliation, dependency and the will to live.

I am in recovery from the False Self I created to survive my childhood — the Self that acts with such deeply rooted compulsiveness that my very survival has come to depend on it.

In this state, I have lost all hope, and continued the cycle of denial and emotional dishonesty that have led me here to this room.

I am in recovery to name the dysfunction that was normalized, and end the cycle; to find the will to live, to learn to initiate and embrace change and to learn this thing called self-loving behaviour.

I am bare, and vulnerable; separating from my False Self is like tearing the flesh from the bone. Without my false self, I feel annihilated; but this is no more painful than the isolation and failures I have endured.

The road of recovery and the road of continued dysfunction are equally menacing. I am humbled. I surrender to the annihilation, and the space it makes for the Inner Self to become un-frozen and resume its path of growing and serving.

I cannot say that my childhood was perfect, loving or uneventful and then act out with compulsive self-sabotage and paralysis in life. Sober, well-meaning parents of all races and classes can pass on the root of dysfunction, which is multi-generational. This kind of suffering cannot be un-founded or fabricated. The belief that I am making a big deal out of nothing has kept me in this dysfunction.

I come out of denial and put my feet on the ground as a survivor. When the wound is made real, I can know where to heal.

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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