innerlight

discernment & self-care means saying no sometimes

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The new manager that I sent my Canada AM story to (along with my resume) didn’t respond to my email. This, after saying how, “We have to get you back in here before next Tuesday …,” and me having sent her these things on (last) Wednesday. So when I went in this last Tuesday, I was quite anxious, and totally unsure what I was going to encounter there. The lady (and Board members) were bumbling along like nothing had happened, completely unaware of what her not getting back to me had felt like. Still talking to me like a future employee, and some kind of super star hero. 
I knew I was going to have to say no to them somehow.
This job is coming out of their needs, and is not a collaboration having anything to do with mine.
My needs seem to be somewhat invisible to them.
And so, it is not a good fit for me.
It sounds so simple. But I have been feeling extreme anxiety over this, over saying no, doubting myself and my perceptions. Slowly, they are coming clear.

It’s like they are so desperate that they don’t care who I am; they just want me to be the superstar they are projecting onto me.
Wow. How could anyone feel safe around that? !

I don’t feel in the least bit seen. This situation is so perfectly reflective of my childhood. No one seeing me; everyone seeing a star in me and turning a blind eye to the rest. No wonder I needed to say no.

I wrote, and sent, an email to her yesterday, declining the employment opening there. It felt good, though  part of me is sad that I am not the right person to help this centre for people with disabilities.

I realize that what I have to say may be disappointing.
I have decided not to pursue the current job opportunity at IL (Independent Living).
The organization is obviously in a massive transition, and no one who knows me from just a few months ago, is there any more. I do not know the board as a whole; two people have left due to stress, and one person has been let go very suddenly.
Having been through burn-out several times in my life, and quite severely last time, I cannot take risks like I used to, and I regret to acknowledge that working for IL at this time would be a risk for me. 
I feel the importance of IL here, very strongly. I want to support it in whatever way I can; and for now, that means remaining as a volunteer in the capacity I have been doing.
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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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