innerlight

PS. update on the prayer

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Update on the prayer post from yesterday:

The friend eventually did show up yesterday. I called another friend of mine who is qualified in restorative justice, active listening and systemic family constellations. She came over, and my friend sobbed for two hours on the floor of my room while we held him. He had never done this in his life. He then finally slept the night here, on a mattress on my floor. Today, he has had another fight with his Dad, and when I last spoke to him this afternoon, was unsure where he could go to sleep tonight. i share a small one bedroom with my mom, and she does not feel able to extend an offer him to stay here.

This person has lost his original and created family and house; has not been able to work for the last year or so, does not have a diagnosis, and is about to run out of money. His ex is taking him to court for child support, and refusing to communicate with him in any other way. He has not seen his kids in 3 months, and his parents are disregarding his request for them not to have contact with his kids (due to abusive tendencies of his Mother). He feels that all his relationships are falling apart, including those in the recovery world; that there is no safe place for him to be in the world, and he has exhausted all his sources of support. He has stated that he is willing to die for his parents to change, if that’s the only way they will listen to him; that he feels a sense of extreme powerlessness and hopelessness, and that he feels peaceful when he thinks about dying.

I felt like this when I attempted to end things. I think a couple people possibly knew or could sense where I was at, but did not feel confident enough to intervene without my permission, and how do you really ask permission to intervene? It definitely seems like an awkward and scary thing to do. This is an interesting line for me to walk right now. I don’t know if I should be taking action, forcing him to go to the hospital, against his spoken will. I think that if he is meant to make an attempt — whatever the outcome — that his his higher power’s divine will, and nothing but love can come out of it. I continue to pray, offer the support that I can, and let it go to the Universe to look after and work it’s magic on. I’m filled with sadness and wonder at the same time. I wish I had the answers, but I am witnessing some of the most dangerous effects of severe willfulness (see my other post today) that is preventing him from the peace and survival of radical acceptance here. I can only do what I can only do?

(It may seem here that I am obsessing. Really, I have only missed one choir practice because of this. I am keeping myself in check, and not allowing my own life to be upheaved in any way. I am observing, and I am curious, and I am exploring my feelings a little bit here, and putting out more prayers by sharing this with you.)

Luv innerlight.

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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