I will write more on this at some point. There is just so much happening for me right now that I can’t possibly write about it all and do it justice, so here is another snippet:
I had an amazing day of family constellations on Sunday, and believe that things are already in motion as a result from the constellation I did.
The representative for my Mother kept looking away and up, and saying “Lord almighty!”(my Mother actually does roll her eyes A LOT and exclaim, “Oh, Good Lord!”)
Last night, I had an amazing conversation with Mom — about when it was that her feeling of not fitting in began for her as a girl, how it evolved, how she was a ‘clinger’ and a ‘follower’ through most of grade school and early adulthood; how people always seemed to forget about her and leave her behind (this is her chronic experience in life); and how she has decided that she doesn’t want to fit in anyway and she is happy that way. She expressed the view that needing to fit in is codependent, and I disagreed. It was one of the most important and hard-won disagreements I’ve ever made :). This is the core belief my therapy has centred around for the last several weeks. This is the belief in me that must change so that i am not alone for the rest of my life. I need to stop feeling so different and unique all the time and start feeling like a valid member of society, not in a codependent way, but in the way that we all need and deserve to feel connected, supported, and contributing. I disagree with my Mother that this is a codependent need.