embracing the self-saboteur



Subconscious (Photo credit: kevin dooley)

I asked a friend of mine over email today if there was a subconscious place in her that believes (one thing or another) and that holds her back from achieving or manifesting what it is she truly desires. It’s funny how particular people in our lives can shed light on things in very particular ways some times.

That question to her lingered in my mind when I pressed send, and I realized that I’ve arrived at a different place with such questions. I used to hear them with a should in them. Like I should be able to go, “Oh, it’s my subconscious, and this is why, and now I get it.” I used to hear it like someone saying, it’s easy to change the subconscious once you become conscious of it. That awareness (not time?) can heal all wounds.

When I ask this question to myself (what subconscious beliefs am I holding on to that are sabotaging my life?), I now simply remove the expectation that it is easy to change these subconscious beliefs.

There are those with mental illnesses who are unable to become aware of such subconscious beliefs, and there are those who are able. I think what defines a mental illness is that in either case, these core beliefs have such adverse affects on our lives that they are significantly and chronically compromised; and changing these core beliefs is a miraculous and sometimes impossible feat.

It’s not a case of choosing to focus on the negative, or a lack of self-discipline, or a resistance to change; it’s a chronic mental-emotional condition with grave effects on a person’s life.

I’m not saying it’s not possible to change on this level — every person’s journey is unique, and good psychotherapists are out there (even if there’s no funding for them here in BC). I’m just saying that it isn’t as easy as pop psychology / new age self-help philosophies seem to claim. We cannot simply ‘choose to be happy.’ We can respond to the intensity and the range of emotion with as much compassion and understanding as possible, continue to learn from it as much as possible, and live our lives accordingly to the time, space and energy this requires. We can stop trying to fit in with the status quo who do not understand this reality. We live on a deeper level of challenge and humility that is, as I have so often said on here, as much a blessing as a curse. If, in this society, I must be labeled as disabled in order to live the lifestyle that allows me to be at all functional, then a) that says something about this society, and b) so be it. Call it whatever you want to call it.

While it may be nearly impossible to change them, it is still worth trying, and continuing to strive for at least a greater degree of understanding that allows us to be compassionate towards ourselves and others, and make healthy decisions for all involved.

When I spoke the question to another, I realized that I spoke it with this new understanding. I did not mean to come across as if it were easy to change the self-saboteur, but to convey and encourage curiosity and compassion for this human condition that affects all of us to various degrees.

Thanks L 🙂


Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

3 thoughts on “embracing the self-saboteur

  1. darling, i cried inside as i read your words. truth truth truth… wave after wave of truth. thank god you are sharing with us. we need you. i need you.

    i am sitting, looking over a carribean sea… heart in pieces… riding contraction after contraction of pain.

    your sharing is my midwife. your midwife has excellent timing and skill.

    i will read these words as many times as i need to before i get safely home. home? a home with no hearth. i am scared. i am reaching out to my creator and my creator is reaching back in strange, impressive and mysterious ways.

    i am writing writing writing. grieving grieving grieving. but i am not waiting for time to heal things any more, nor self awareness. i am grabbing onto the steering wheel, the opposite of what i have been told to do, because it feels right. i am howling with pain and i am riding it out with the compassion you speak of… and with the help and compassion of a few close others… as far away as you maybe.

    These are my words earlier today:

    I feel sick…
    the battle has begun within
    white dog fights black dog
    and black dog fights white
    They can’t stop

    My body can’t smoke. While I still smoke.
    My body needs to eat. I cannot eat.
    My brain needs sleep. It won’t stop.
    My nerves are trembling
    My womb is crying and yearning
    I want to go home. My home has no hearth.
    The outside world haemorrhages
    into my stomach
    Puke and pus is building inside

    Just let me sleep

    Outside is hot. Blue. Scorching blue
    above and below
    The air is solid… only the biting ones are moving
    Paradise has become hell

    “Just have fun. Have a great time darling in paradise!”

    Just let me sleep

    ***time has passed*** since this mornings journalling and I do feel a little more grounded. less sickened.

    Thank you for being with me in this moment. I love you more than I have ever expressed.

  2. what a beautiful thing to say — “I love you more than I have ever expressed.” right back at you. luv underground.

  3. Pingback: self-sabotage and shame « underground

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