I was talking about ego with a family member last night, and our discussion led me to thinking about Step One:
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others — that our lives had become unmanageable.
As I tucked myself into bed, I wrote this translation:
- I acknowledge that I am unhappy in life, or that I simply want more from it.
- I acknowledge the shame I feel in this, accept that my ego is in a place of defeat and embrace the unknowingness of this place.
- I let my ego fall, along with everything it has created.
- I let go of what I think I need and want and who I think I am or expect myself to be.
- I face the seeming emptiness in the absence of all this.
- I am no longer too proud to ask for help.
- I love myself as a child, in this state of surrender, in this state of pure being.
- I don’t have to achieve anything or be anything to be worthy to be of value.
- I am not my achievements or my failures, but a vessel for them, as expressions of the wonder of life in everyone.
- I recover my innocence.
- I am regressing to this state to mend and grow like a seed in the ground.
- The earth is quiet and dark and moist. I have everything I need here, and I am safe. Existence is simple. I am.
Another CoDA member spoke one time about how when we ask for things from our higher power, the crucial thing is that we ask with the heart of a child; and I thought there, that is what recovery is all about. Because often times, in order to find that child’s heart, there is a lot that has happened, a lot of pain felt. We are in recovery to recover the Child’s Heart.
I’ll leave you with something I wrote about ego, several months ago, while I was doing Step Three:
Everything ego-based eventually comes tumbling down — everything we attempt to hide is inevitably and relentlessly exposed. The solution is to stop hiding it. Nothing can bring us to our knees if we are already there.” – October 16, 2011
- Memoirs of an Ego: When Keeping it Real Goes Quiet! (memoirsofanempress.wordpress.com)
- Doing No Thing, a Path Past Ego Death (horizonsofsignificance.wordpress.com)
- I am not my ego (mypurplefridays.wordpress.com)
- Dear Ego, I Release You (myweirdassdreams.wordpress.com)