innerlight

a scan of my psyche this moment

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negatives

  • embarrassment that i got so excited about the story of the Woman at the Well and sent it out to so many people, not realizing what a well-worn piece it is. “Sharing Remorse”. interesting to note a greater level of self-acceptance here than would have been present a year ago. acceptance that i am naive and easily influenced and excitable at times, with somewhat inconsistent boundaries.
  • hope of being validated and ending the confusion in me about ‘mental illness or chronic personal weakness’. call  me sick and twisted, but a Permanent Disability Designation would truly end it, and I feel like I could get on with my life with some degree of clarity about who i am. it’s scary how much weight my application has for me.
  • anxiety about that confusion, having had it stirred up today with my counselor, who said, “We all feel that way sometimes,” in an attempt to assure me that I’m not a complete wierdo. I’ve resolved that I need to tell her at my next appointment that I hear those statements as minimizing my illness, and wonder if she is trying to convince me that I’m not really ill at all. Back to the question:  Am I ill or just weak.
  • fear of abandonment / rejection from a community that has become important — this is residual because of a couple of experiences of extreme social anxiety i have had recently. did anyone see it? my gut says they did … shame, worthlessness, embarrassment, hopelessness.
  • sorrow, left-out, at not having attended what turned out to be a major social gathering last weekend. left-out that I wasn’t performing there with the others. reminding myself that the person who would have invited me to do so probably didn’t because she knows how easily exhausted i can get.
  • fear of the summer months, and the retirement of my current counselor in June. why is therapy not covered by any social assistance or disability funding?
  • a desire to find a new living arrangement, and the fear of change that brings.
  • awareness of emptiness
  • shame at staying up so late. a feeling of escape or existential anxst or something that wants to be expressed before I can let the day go.
  • guilt for not having called a couple of people who are dear to me. uncontrollable and unexplainable procrastination.

positives

  • looking forward to a ballet class & singing tomorrow, and maybe catching up with a couple of friends on the phone.
  • residual joy from estuary i have been walking in.
  • looking forward to (although procrastinating) completing Step Four in CoDA.
  • joy at finding the site Daily Strength, an integrated forum for positive self-expression and recovery.
  • joy at the sound of crickets outside again, coming in through the walls and windows, the fact that the heater has been off all day in my room and the air smells like spring.
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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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