It has been a time of relative balance, which is, of course, always precarious. I don’t think I have changed so much as how I have reacted to what I have learned about myself–how I have started to live my life accordingly.
The things I would say that are different now, from before my diagnosis are:
1) I can’t do as much as I used to do. I need more time and space to process thoughts and experiences.
2) I am easily and severely exhausted, requiring extended periods of home time — reading, cooking, cleaning, walking, watching tv, playing games, crocheting, writing and napping.
3) Little tiny stressors or worries can build up in me and cause a crisis — this is still hard to recognize before it hits.
4) I get stressed and overwhelmed easily if there are too many things on my brain to do; I can carry much fewer things on my list than I used to.
5) I need regular, meaningful human contact, via coda, or a growing list of like-minded friends or I will start to feel isolated and forget that it’s ever felt different.
6) I need to write and pray daily to maintain a humble stance — that I can be my best when I accept my eccentricities. Lose the ego that wants to be a star, impress or be anything extraordinary. I am a sensitive person whose well-being is delicate. I need extra care (which I can give to myself).
7) I still struggle with self care and regularity. I don’t do the grocery shopping, which means I have energy to self-care and have some remote resemblance of a social life. I cook infrequently and still rely a lot on my family to make sure I eat semi-regularly.
8) I rely on sleeping pills to sleep, often and especially if there is anything in particular to anticipate the next day. I find it difficult to relax enough to sleep, let go of the external stimuli of books, tv or Internet and retreat into the sleeping state.
9) when things are relatively stable, I feel confused or unsure of reality. My sense of self is blurred, and this causes some anxiety and/or depression.
- 22 authentic aspects of my (bpd or whatever) experience (heartjunky.wordpress.com)
- The Power of Authenticity (onmymindwriter.wordpress.com)
- The Authenticity Project (personal-authenticity-project.com)