innerlight

making amends with a narcissist

2 Comments

my sponsor in codependents anonymous said yesterday how it is a commonly held truth that codependents tend to chronically attract narcissistic partners; codependents and narcissists are perfect matches for each other. i resonated with this because as i have been reading about narcissists lately, their symptoms and the ways they lie remind me of every partner i’ve been with. my most recent break-up, which i blogged about in trusting perception + trauma is trauma, i am finding it challenging to be finished with the dysfunction of our exchange. he is an artist and just entering the community of an artspace i help to promote. i am actually fuming today, which is why i am posting again. i feel like if i don’t get this off my chest some how, i will implode. the anger is acidic. grrrrr! i wish i was above this; i pray to be above it soon. so, this is the jist of my rant:

putting up his boundaries of defense with tiny knives to “protect” himself from dangers he has made up in me. It is only so he can hide from his own. anyone worth knowing will see this also, as time tells because time does tell. he will stay stuck in his isolation until he is able to turn the mirror. an objective and evolved person would pray for him. I pray to be that person, for my higher power to remove the fear and outrage from me, this trigger of being the only one to see, thinking that I am the one who is cra-z.

compassion

compassion (unknown source): Deep awareness of the suffering of another without the need to relieve it, feeling total appreciation for its value; a state of non-judgement.

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

2 thoughts on “making amends with a narcissist

  1. Thanks for commenting on my blog. It was so good to see you there.

    I understand what you mean about anger being acidic. The thing is, is when you’ve had con-dependence issues your entire life, you’re never quite sure if the anger you’re feeling about someone is really the anger they deserve righteously, or if you’re displacing it onto them because you’r still pent-up about all the unjust things that happened to you in the past when you were with someone else who treated you in a narcissistic self-pleasing-manner.

    I find that I have unwarranted anger towards someone for something small they did – and they end up getting the wrath of 20 years worth of pent-up abused frustration and intolerable cruelty that I should have expressed to the perpetrators THEN, but didn’t have the ability or the luxury to do so, because they were my parents and I WAS co-dependent with them. (Had to be.)

    Relationships are really hard for me. I usually have some sort of hatred, or fuming anger at the bottom of everything. It really taints what affection, or forgiving nature I could have with others. I end up stuffing my emotions a lot, because I’m know they are out-of-balance, and not currently relevant and based in reality – which isn’t a healthy way to go about that, either.

    Sometimes, I feel so stuck. I know what you’re saying, I think, and thank you for saying it. I hope things get better for you, and this situation.

  2. “you’re never quite sure if the anger you’re feeling about someone is really the anger they deserve righteously, or if you’re displacing it onto them because you’r still pent-up about all the unjust things that happened to you in the past”
    YESSSSSSSSS. How much are we over-dramatizing, where are we minimizing; what is really happening, and which actions are required. What to respond to, and how to respond … and so the cycle goes …
    In this case, I have learned that this person has a history of alcoholism and dysfunctional relationships. It was reassuring to hear another’s experience — a reality check. Not that another’s experience being the same = the truth, but if the stove is hot, we must somehow know that the stove is truly hot and move away. Lest we get burned again. Lest we continue the trauma.
    Some unconscious attachment to this situation and person, some questioning about his truth has been resolved, and I can cut the ties and feel empowered for having a boundary.
    How to accept that we are often confused, live accordingly, and ask for the support we need and deserve around it. It seems there is no other way through but to stop hiding it and stand fully in the moment of who we are now.
    Big love,
    Underground

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