innerlight

10 little things about me, written on an irritable day

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  1. I hate the word ‘positive’ or any of its derrivatives. It reminds me of all the people who said ‘just think positive’ when what i actually needed was a complete mental breakdown, a major overhaul on my life, a relocation and a radical shift in my daily reality. It’s also dangerously close to my other personal ‘favorite’: “You’re choosing to see the negative.” Actually, the later one there is worse than the ‘be positive’ one but not by much. they both make me want to vomit or murder someone, or both, while screaming, in public.
  2. In case you haven’t noticed, I do have an extremely dry, dark and sarcastic sense of humour that comes out in me from time to time, or when I am irritable, such as today. I also have a wide-eyed clown character who likes to come out with any sort of physical comedy going on. Sometimes I’m hip and chic; sometimes I’m a hippy, sometimes I’m a preppy, sometimes I’m a wise old bird wearing flowy fabrics and speaking my intuition like a psychic, and sometimes I’m a redneck because I like to smoke weed.
  3. I’m extremely timid and fearful, but under certain circumstances, I can become a daredevil / adrenaline junky. It runs in my family. My dad forced me onto Montezuma’s Revenge ride at Knot’s Berry Farm when I was four years old, much to the alarm and disdain of the crowds waiting in the line up with us, who witnessed a little girl crying and screaming that she didn’t want to go, and her father forcing her anyway. Thing is, I wanted to go again and again after that first one.
  4. One of my compulsive activities is jigsaw puzzles. I can spend 12 hours or even several days with few breaks completing a puzzle from beginning to end. I have to finish it once I begin, and that can wreak a little havok in my life.
  5. People who know me well, will only talk to me once they’ve confirmed that I have had my coffee. No one calls me before 10am.
  6. Nothing will have me losing all politeness, maturity, self-restraint and diplomacy skills more quickly than bureaucracy – passport applications, large corporations who rip people off, electronic answering systems, long and needlessly wordy document or department names, being put on hold for longer than 20 minutes with ridiculous elevator music.
  7. I’ve always gravitated to those women older than me, but I am never fully accepted by them as an equal friend because of my age. This has been the case since I was a teenager. I feel like I don’t fit in where I am supposed to. I am often a loner, but unbearably ashamed and embarrassed by it.
  8. I often end up leaving the house too late in the day to accomplish everything I set out to do that day. It’s like my clock is not aligned with the rest of society. My lunch break is often at 4 o’clock, with dinner at 9, bed at 1 or 2am. I have tried to change this in several different settings, to no avail.
  9. I am often struck with creative urges or emotional revelations between the hours of 10 pm and 2 am. If I do not get it out of my system, it goes away and is no where to be found the next day. So, I am impulsive and compulsive in my creativity and personal growth, and I cannot see another way of being in these aspects.
  10. I am intrinsically either just in the nick of time, or late, to most appointments.

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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