i seem to have the need to define my condition / reality / existence and periodically refine my instruction manual (what people need to know in order to be in relationship with me). previous versions of this effort appear in coda 12-step: my own criteria and what to say to people.
i chose the photo above to go along with this post because it speaks to the notion, which i and a small but growing number of others are exploring, of bpd as a gift of creativity, intelligence and intuition. like there is just so much life force that comes through us in any given moment that we need special training and support to harness it so it does not destroy our circuitry (see 60 volts through a 2-volt circuit …).
so, eight months into my “recovery”, here is my third, the latest attempt to define my reality. i think i’ve been writing these also with those newly diagnosed or looking for diagnosis in mind, who may not be able to recognize themselves in the clinical and hollywood language of the DSM.
how would you write a manual for YOU, to speak what others may still be seeking the language for, to translate the DSM into human language, and as an instruction manual for your fellow human beings in life?
- Above average creative and intellectual ability; extremely, but selectively, perceptive and possessing strong intuition.
- Above average capacity for joy, despair, passion, creativity and emotional articulation
- Chronic confusion with what is true, where i stand with people, whether i need to apologize or not, how to frame the past, present and future
- Oscillation between extremes of charisma and social anxiety / avoidance / isolation; wisdom, strength and vision vs. smallness and dependency (unstable sense of identity)
- Low stress thresh hold
- Difficulty coping with changes — especially last-minute ones
- Sensitive to invalidation and abandonment
- Tendency to project fears and negative traits onto others
- Old feelings and experiences of isolation, abandonment & rejection easily triggered
- Fearful to trust
- Tendency to hide feelings, isolate and dissociate during times of duress
- Often unaware of big feelings that “brew” like a storm and give the impression of splitting, or sudden and drastic changes in stance
- Often employing multiple sensory stimuli, such as tv, food, writing, smoking, knitting, driving, etc.
- Need for extra reassurance and validation
- Ability and need for emotional articulation is often perceived as being excessive
- Memory challenges with names, dates, places and emotional experiences
- Tendency to lose boundaries and identity and implode in relationship
- Tendency towards obsessive and compulsive perfectionism, or workaholism
- Recurrent and chronic emptiness, shame, self-loathing and hopelessness, and the need to escape them through compulsive distraction with perfectionism, chaos and drama (addiction to drama as a means of escape)
- Fear of boredom for the emptiness and isolation it brings up
- Chronically sporatic with routine, interests, careers and social crowds
- Difficulty with routine, prolonged serenity and peacefulness; tendency towards extremes of depression, exhaustion, crisis and mania (stability is extremely dependent and/or precarious)
- coda 12-step: my own criteria (heartjunky.wordpress.com)
- what to say to people (heartjunky.wordpress.com)
- 60 volts through a 2 volt circuit + greyed-out icons on the screen + illusive roots of trauma (heartjunky.wordpress.com)
- BPD Diagnosis or Being “Labeled” (rosecityremona.wordpress.com)
- What is Social Anxiety (chesneyinspiration.wordpress.com)
- Frustration. (inmychest.wordpress.com)
- Help me hack fear of failure (ask.metafilter.com)
- OCD and Procrastination are companians of Perfectionism. (spoonfedbrain.wordpress.com)
- healthy perfectionism (as-simple-as-that.net)
- Separation Anxiety NOT Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder (ASAD) (donabelwrites.wordpress.com)
- The cortex plays an essential part in emotional learning (adultadhdhelp.net)
- Why We Hide Emotional Pain (psychologytoday.com)
- Long-term and Episodic Emotional Stimuli (eitheory.com)
- What is the arousal of motives (wiki.answers.com)