22 authentic aspects of my (bpd or whatever) experience


bluebot photoshop tutorial

bluebot photoshop tutorial

i seem to have the need to define my condition / reality / existence and periodically refine my instruction manual (what people need to know in order to be in relationship with me). previous versions of this effort appear in coda 12-step: my own criteria and what to say to people.

i chose the photo above to go along with this post because it speaks to the notion, which i and a small but growing number of others are exploring, of bpd as a gift of creativity, intelligence and intuition. like there is just so much life force that comes through us in any given moment that we need special training and support to harness it so it does not destroy our circuitry (see 60 volts through a 2-volt circuit …).

so, eight months into my “recovery”, here is my third, the latest attempt to define my reality. i think i’ve been writing these also with those newly diagnosed or looking for diagnosis in mind, who may not be able to recognize themselves in the clinical and hollywood language of the DSM.

how would you write a manual for YOU, to speak what others may still be seeking the language for, to translate the DSM into human language, and as an instruction manual for your fellow human beings in life?

  1. Above average creative and intellectual ability; extremely, but selectively, perceptive and possessing strong intuition.
  2. Above average capacity for joy, despair, passion, creativity and emotional articulation
  3. Chronic confusion with what is true, where i stand with people, whether i need to apologize or not, how to frame the past, present and future
  4. Oscillation between extremes of charisma and social anxiety / avoidance / isolation; wisdom, strength and vision vs. smallness and dependency (unstable sense of identity)
  5. Low stress thresh hold
  6. Difficulty coping with changes — especially last-minute ones
  7. Sensitive to invalidation and abandonment
  8. Tendency to project fears and negative traits onto others
  9. Old feelings and experiences of isolation, abandonment & rejection easily triggered
  10. Fearful to trust
  11. Tendency to hide feelings, isolate and dissociate during times of duress
  12. Often unaware of big feelings that “brew” like a storm and give the impression of splitting, or sudden and drastic changes in stance
  13. Often employing multiple sensory stimuli, such as tv, food, writing, smoking, knitting, driving, etc.
  14. Need for extra reassurance and validation
  15. Ability and need for emotional articulation is often perceived as being excessive
  16. Memory challenges with names, dates, places and emotional experiences
  17. Tendency to lose boundaries and identity and implode in relationship
  18. Tendency towards obsessive and compulsive perfectionism, or workaholism
  19. Recurrent and chronic emptiness, shame, self-loathing and hopelessness, and the need to escape them through compulsive distraction with perfectionism, chaos and drama (addiction to drama as a means of escape)
  20. Fear of boredom for the emptiness and isolation it brings up
  21. Chronically sporatic with routine, interests, careers and social crowds
  22. Difficulty with routine, prolonged serenity and peacefulness; tendency towards extremes of depression, exhaustion, crisis and mania (stability is extremely dependent and/or precarious)

Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

3 thoughts on “22 authentic aspects of my (bpd or whatever) experience

  1. during the course of my therapy last spring, my therapist was convinced I had BPD. I was devastated. We were in the process of termination and I started feeling abandoned which led to sleeplessness and worry which led to more and more symptoms. As I studied BPD, I’ve come to realize that some of the tendencies of BPD come to the forefront when I’m experiencing bipolar episodes. Kind of like feeding off each other. I have a heightened sense of feeling abandoned and relate mostly with number 1, 2, 4, 9, 11 & 14. I know that’s why bipolar and BPD sometimes go hand in hand because of many similarities. It’s all on a continuum or a part of the spectrum. I identify most with bipolar and think that is the correct diagnosis, although it’s sometimes difficult to remember what that’s even all about when I have several days in a row of ‘normalcy’. When I have a swing, it reminds me of where I’ve come from and I don’t want to go back. I’ve become hyper-vigilant despite my desire not have to be because I know if I’m not, little by little the stability retreats and I’m faced with sinking into another depressive episode. I’m at times scared when I start feeling really good that I’m heading into hypomania. It’s a balancing act.
    I read somewhere recently (was it in your blog?) about switching out the word recovery to discovery. What are we trying to recover? I sure don’t want to recover what was. I was ignorant of my illness. I like the word discovery so much better. I’m discovering each day how to be with this illness. I’m discovering what works (thoughts, behaviors and attitudes) and what doesn’t.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story in your blog. I learn so much from each entry. My favorite pastime is reading others blogs. May I add you to my blogroll?

  2. I absolutely agree with you. Having been brought up in a nearly feral state and in a world isolated from the mainstream, I avoided what I see now as the curse of humanity – programming.

    I have never been one to accept stigma and social stratification and judgement of other people. Thus, it is automatic for me to find both the good and bad of my own symptoms aka qualities and characteristics from a practical point of view rather than one weighed down with the strange attached belief system most people seem to have programmed into them from childhood.

    My question always is ‘is this effective’. Do my behaviors, habits, ways of going about something achieve what I want it to? Do my actions have more pros than cons? Are all the consequences acceptable? Do my actions cause anyone harm? I don’t ask myself if someone else is going to like it or not. Or if they will think badly of me or not. I find it kind of weird that most people seem to care what other people think of them. I form my own opinion of myself and, frankly, no one else’s matters one wit to me.

    I speak of these things to close friends once in a while and they rarely understand even one bit. Most often they go into some rationalizations for their own caring what people think or reasons why stigmas, social stratification core beliefs, etc are good, not bad. I beg to differ. I see them as burdens that hold us back from the good we could be finding in our lives regardless of which rock and which hard place we find ourselves between.

    I’m amazed and delighted to find other people here in the online world of Pw/BPD who also question, in various ways, these so-called truths of our human social structures.

  3. thank you so much for visiting and commenting, Remona and Shelly. i learn so much by exchanging experiences with great commenters like you 🙂
    “My question always is ‘is this effective’. Do my behaviors, habits, ways of going about something achieve what I want it to? Do my actions have more pros than cons? … I don’t ask myself if someone else is going to like it or not. … I form my own opinion of myself and, frankly, no one else’s matters one wit to me.”
    mmmm, yes, what is our criteria for “good”? for saying, “yes” or saying “no”. second great question of the day for me, coming from my readers! how fantastic.
    i’m inspired to meet others on authentic journeys of ‘discovery’, finding our own way to knowing ourselves, crafting our own lenses and making the best of what we got.
    yes, feel free to add me to your blogroll. seems like i might be doing up my own soon :))))
    may you find balance in the balancing act today and know you are not alone.
    love from the underground.

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