adventures in … (living with integrity to my authentic self?)

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Today, I communicated my authentic self. It was totally terrifying, and it created conflict, but you know what? It actually feels tremendously empowering and really good! It’s a hell of a lot better than repressing it and pretending to be normal. Pretending to be strong and stable when maybe I am not (and that needs to be okay). If that’s not okay, the situation is not healthy for me anyway, and I am better to let it go. Huwah!

Heart Junky:  I put a fair bit of energy into helping you, and you drop me like a twig? It’s not like it’s a big part of my psyche any more, just a little niggler of feeling used. At least I know where I really stand.

Colleague: Wow, I haven’t dropped (the project) nor you – I’m still on it.  I thought we were both fighting for the survival of (Organization started by HJ), and helping each other to do so. I have also contributed a lot of time towards trying to save this organization.  Which I believe in.  What on earth gave you the idea that your were (1.)  Helping Me, personally, and not the (community members) of (Old residence of HJ)  (2.)  that I wasn’t working on it any longer. I still have to face an abusive, narcissistic, potentially violent guy – in person in order to do this.  I have (A), (B), (C) and (D) on board. Not sure why you sent me this sort of email.

Heart Junky: It just felt like you suddenly dropped off the planet and stopped responding to any communications. The last thing you communicated to me about where the project was at was in the third week of October:   “I’m not sure what I need to do here – all of the steps to take – what you do, what I do, what the board does?” After a series of almost instantaneous and very-driven communications, which you had begun this with, I didn’t find it normal or respectful to suddenly not hear anything for a month and a half, especially as I had tried to communicate with you to find out how it was going. I have had no idea what is going on or if anything is moving ahead. If the letter I drafted seemed good, bad or ugly; if the plan of action is good but will just take some time, or bad and we need a new one, if you are abandoning ship because it is just too complicated … I realize there is a violent man in the situation; I realize there is an extremely busy and passionate woman also in the situation. A little more communication–that’s all … what is going on? Thanks!

Colleague: If you would like more communication, just ask – if you want to know what happened to my communication, just ask.   I am not sure what warranted the first email today. I have been travelling and putting out fires with other work stuff, (Organization that HJ started) took the back burner for many reasons. M’s Court Date, Full Participation from board, Clear Idea of a Game Plan, Other Work Commitments. Please think twice before you send me an email like that one this morning.

Heart Junky: I did try to ask for more communication and that didn’t seem to work. I feel quite powerless when I communicate that I need more communication, but don’t hear anything back, like I am somehow being ridiculous or obsessive or the person is trying to distance themselves from me because I am wierd and I am making it difficult for them by clinging. I’m sorry. I have triggers and emotional handicaps. That is me; this is me. I cannot keep it inside any more. So, now that we are communicating, I am communicating to you that I need more communication. LOL! :)))) Thanks. I feel like I understand what is going on. I hope everything goes as well as it can.


Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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