innerlight

the fear

5 Comments

unknown image

unknown image

the fear that no one will ever know me as i really am.

i am too subtle, too complicated for anyone to ever figure out.

i fall off the planet at this thought, feeling condemned to isolation and hopelessness.

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

5 thoughts on “the fear

  1. Pingback: Paranoia, Delusions and Dissociation in Borderline Personality Disorder | Day in the life of a Busy Gal…

  2. There’s a song I love that conveys this feeling – Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, the chorus goes ‘I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand, when everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am’ – say’s it all really, don’t you think? x

  3. ah yes, so many songs are having so many new meanings these days. thanks for the smile. i love that song …

  4. You fear no one will ever really know you but don’t you push them away especially when they work so delicately to reach the you you really are???? I lost my sister to not being able to reach her and finally not being able to handle her abusive angry behavior when seeing her… Very difficult and damaging trying to relate .. She is alive but has no one now in her life but one daughter who knows to keep a very superficial contact with her. very sad.

    • That does sound like a very sad situation, all too common to some types of bpd. I’m glad that this site can be a sharing space for all kinds of experiences of bpd, and I hope that it can also shed some light on the fact that not everyone with bpd is the same. There are many different types and spectrums of bpd that are very different from each other, although stemming from the same core identity confusion, chronic emptiness and invalidation trauma.
      My type of bpd is internal, not external. I don’t have outbursts of rage. I struggle to find acceptance in expressing the intensity and depth of my experiences because they are not acceptable in the popular culture. Because I am able to articulate them so well, in therapy and other similar contexts, I am often mis-understood as attention seeking. Just because I can articulate doesn’t mean I am faking it or not really bpd.
      Some thoughts / feelings like the one expressed in this post are so intense that they overwhelm me, and I feel like I disappear in the world. I die.

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