The surest way to earn my distrust is to praise or compliment me. Praises are the bars of my cage, the language of denial, abandonment and the chaos of unreality that snapped me in two.
People have been telling me there’s nothing wrong with me all my life; that I’m making things up, making assumptions, giving too much weight to negative thoughts, “choosing” to see things negatively. If they were right, I wouldn’t be here.
It feels like the only way to heal is to block them out, acknowledge the parts of me that aren’t okay, reassure those parts that they have good reason, and make amends to them for abandoning and ignoring them.
My intelligence betrays my heart, again and again; people think I’m way too (intelligent, articulate, capable) to ever need or deserve support. I was like the titanic. Those compliments stifled the pain in my heart and the confusion in my soul like the second-class passengers locked below while the music played on above.
I don’t want to shine or stand out in any way for a very long time. I’ve spent a half-life overachieving, to at least gain praise if I couldn’t have love. And even that has failed me. Eventually, the water became to heavy; I snapped in two and sank because people thought I was too talented to warrant due human dilligence. I do feel betrayed and entitled. No, it is not entitlement; it is that I cannot pull myself from the ocean floor alone, and I will not. No one deserves to raise the titanic alone.