innerlight

Walking the line in flip-flops

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My intensity–in anger and enthusiasm–has scared me (and others I think).

In other moments, I feel like there is nothing wrong with me; I’ve been making it all up and being a drama queen. When I am strong enough to embody that, I feel guilty for receiving the support I am receiving, like I don’t really warrant or deserve it, and there are so many others who need it. I feel like a fraud.

Then I have nights like tonight when I see why I am here. I am fragile like a leaf on the highway. Interactions with others in my life have brought up such intense feelings of rejection and abandonment that I feel unable to sustain my relationships with them. I have awoke in this state at 3o’clock in the morning crying (and breathing deeply). I may have to miss some engagements tomorrow.

I feel like I can’t be seen by non-recovery people, or those who don’t know my story. They are Outsiders. I don’t like this feeling of hiding what is going on for me–something I did around everyone before I attempted to end my life. I promised myself since then that I wasn’t going to do that anymore, that I couldn’t do that any more, that it was a matter of life and death.

I don’t have my skin on around the Outsiders, and I feel way too vulnerable to be with them. It’s like I have no skin and the air is filled with tiny knives that pierce my fascia.

I am a child’s heart isolated and abandoned at times by my intellect.

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

One thought on “Walking the line in flip-flops

  1. Pingback: identity confusion / unstable sense of self « underground

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