I never posted this here, but I think it belongs, in my effort to collect all the ashes:
CoDA 12-step program — Step One: What is Unmanageable
• Desperate need for validation & feedback
• Chronic loneliness & low self worth
• Inconsistent personality & mood, dependent on external people and events (contexts)
• Need and ability to impress, like an autopilot function
• Forcing things to happen by working harder & longer
• Compulsive working, getting carried away in the vision of how good it could be and what a great thing I could do. If I could do something really great, I would finally be loved and all my problems would disappear. Maybe this time … Over and over again.
• Sense of faking it till I made it; pretending I wasn’t desperate or unstable, having it leak out uncontrollably and unpredictably and feeling rejected and abandoned as a result, then hating myself, progressively more.
• Memories of tiny moments that haunt me, causing me to relive the humiliation of the moment with a visceral and physical reaction. Moments that really devastate me emotionally, cutting me down like a reed.
• Growing sense of overall humiliation in life from the lack of lasting relationships and professional endeavors. All the starts and stops.
• Progressive shame, embarrassment and exhaustion over the degree of chaos and instability in my life, and the lack of social support I had to help me deal with the chaos. It was so much for so long that it became too embarrassing and awkward to talk about.
• Alone in these feelings cause no one would OUTWARDLY believe or admit that I could possibly really have problems. People were trying to be supportive by continuing to tell me how brilliant and intelligent and capable and special i was. They didn’t realize how alienating these words felt to me because they denied and invalidated the internal experience I was having. “I must be even crazier than I’d thought, for thinking I’m crazy in the first place.”
• Most recently, feeling these things while having to keep the face of extraordinary leadership. The ship finally broke in two.
• My whole life seems like a bad memory; i would wipe it out of my brain, but then i’d have no past, no roots, though now i have been describing my past like decapitated limbs floating around inside me. Where’s my continuity.
• The feeling of hopeless isolation; after all the personal growth work i have done, these things continue.
- There He Sharpened His Pen (beatschindler.com)
- Step 9 – Made Direct Amends (fouroclocksundayafternoon.wordpress.com)
- Hi. My name is Jack…. and I have a problem. (graymanjack.wordpress.com)
- Step Four – Searching and Fearless (fouroclocksundayafternoon.wordpress.com)
- How to Quit Facebook (psychologytoday.com)
- The Power Is Powerlessness (toddlohenry.com)
- 12 Step Call (whoopeeparty.wordpress.com)
- the fear (heartjunky.wordpress.com)