I built my castles on an unstable base that no one wanted to see or believe, and no one knew what to do about. I lived in constant confusion about whether or not the base was actually unstable or I was just being negative and “choosing” to see it that way. No one wanted to be the one to say “I think you really need help.” instead, I failed to develop social networks, and continued to pursue goals that were insurmountable without a solid base. I became chronically abandoned, invalidated and imprisoned by statements from others that I was supremely intelligent and beautiful and capable and amazing, that I was too hard on myself and too much of a perfectionist.
If I was all that, I must be crazy for feeling so hurt and even crazier for thinking I was crazy; and clearly, if I was all those things, I didn’t need or deserve any help. I just had to think more positively, fake it till I made it, and hide it better until i could make it go away. What the hell was wrong with me that I was all these things but couldn’t get my fucking shit together. It didn’t change, I couldn’t hide it; and for all the growth and revelations and healing I did on my own, the octopus would always and eventually take me down. There was ALWAYS an elephant in the room with me, but no one would admit to seeing it. I thought I must be hallucinating but continued to be trampled by it while having people tell me how brilliant I was. How could both be true.