innerlight

core beliefs: making sense of the chaos

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Parts of my story are revealing themselves. Not the physical who’s and what’s but the internal experience of the events in my life, while looking at Core Beliefs and how they were formed in me.

The situation that caused me to remove myself this spring was a “damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t”. It was a gradual build-up that crescendo’d, as everything in my life became unbearable and my authentic self seemed to be demanding I:

change.         everything.            leave.             everything.

my marriage, my job, my career identity, my home, my geographical location and a $50,000 national scholarship award for leadership.

leaving all these things at once was unbearable, and felt impossible with the level of cumulative stress and exhaustion i was feeling. who in their right mind would leave all these things at once? and yet, not leaving them was also unbearable.

I’ve spent my whole life with one foot on the ledge of validating the dysfunction in my present life, and one foot on the ledge of needing to have it validated for me. All the common affirmations of “seeing things in a more positive light”, “not focusing too much or dwelling on the negative” and “not being too hard on myself” are what have kept me straddled between the two realities.

By the time of my crescendo, I had lived in one place for long enough that I felt enough people were “on” to the negative core beliefs I was hiding / over-compensating for / resisting through positive thinking, for me to feel humiliated and isolated; yet no one would tell this to my face. Once again, I didn’t know what to believe. The crevice between the two worlds — 1) There’s nothing wrong with me; it’s how I’m choosing to see myself and 2) There IS something wrong with me and I need to get honest with myself and others and stop over-compensating — this crevice opened up wide, and I fell down the middle because I couldn’t decide.

Looking back on my childhood tonight, I wrote:

I was repeatedly, and then traumatically, invalidated and abandoned. The foundation of my ability to perceive reality was neglected, bombed and then left to rot. Inside me there is this chronic landscape of the aftermath; rubble, chaotic and desolate disarray.

I think this might be my own personal description of bdp. another one floating around in my brain lately is that I am awake during the operation of living — the anaesthetic didn’t work, but no one knows. i wish i could stop pretending to be asleep.

what’s your definition?

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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