innerlight

honoring the ends of the earth and the unstoppable force within

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12:05am
The song Woodstock. Intense memories of that song, listening to it at night in bed last year. I had ended my marriage; it was summer and i had funding secured to embark on a new life with full time school, doing what id come to enjoy most about everything id done in the past 7 years–business admin for the arts. I had survived to arrive there, and the sun was rising again.  I was safe, safe in my own room, finally, all my stuff in one place, finally, filled with the warmth and excitement and beautiful rich feeling of starting new, embarking on a Haven healing relationship, building a Haven community. It was the break i needed to finally get my shit together and thrive. I was finally stable enough to grieve and heal from what I had just been through. So much had ended, and there had been so much chaos to endure and survive, so much pressure that seemed like it would never end. But it had and there I was, experiencing newness and love and finally having the time to make sense of and peace with the tornado of my life.

All my castles had fallen; the air was still clearing of smoke and ash. The landscape was dust and rubble, but the night had finally ended. It was a poignant and bittersweet sunrise. It was the aftermath.

I had never heard Woodstock before, until rewatching Six Feet Under that July. In particular, the vocals of the last 30 seconds of the song spoke to my soul as much or more than anything ever has in my life. To me it expressed the pain and the beauty of letting go, accepting the end of the world and facing the morning after. I would listen to the song on repeat over and over again. I felt myself returning to the garden after the epic journey of my life. I felt incredible loss and grief, but I still had my hope and curiosity. They were like old Teddy bears in the attic.

It’s strange to look back on that time and realize that I had not surrendered so fully as I’d thought. But surrender is surrender. Resilience must be in surrender, no matter the degree or quantity.

We do not have authority over living or not. Life goes on, and we continue to grow whether we want to or not. Life and growth are unstoppable forces within.

This version isn’t the same as the recorded version I have, especially the last 30 seconds I mention above, but you can get the gist:

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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