innerlight

deep breathing to get through the morning

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Not sure how i am. It’s the strangest feeling, but i’m not sure how i am. The range of moods in each day is a little bit scary, and maybe it’s left me with this confusion. I awoke at 5 o’clock this morning; all i’ve been able to do to keep from having a complete melt-down is breathe deeply. By night, i have felt so clear-headed and capable, and yet by day, I am avoiding people, escaping into tv and porn sights (which i have never done before), unable to leave the house, buy groceries or cook food for myself. I feel increasingly ashamed and embarrassed by this state and afraid of what will happen to me. By night, i feel like everything is ok; but each morning, i have forgotten. This feeling of not knowing how i am seems like maybe i just can’t trust how i feel, because it seems to change so drastically; and i’m just not sure how I REALLY am. Is life good, or is it a mess and everything’s falling apart and i should be seeking out help? Which side of me do i believe? Actually, i have often been on this fence, just not quite so intensely as this. It’s the classic dilemma for me of whether i’m exceptionally capable or exceptionally not. The difference is that whereas in the past, the times i feel that everything is ok outweigh the times i feel like i should be seeking help. So what happens when that scale reverses? And what’s going to happen if i start tripping out while i am on the road in a few days? Well, this is the panic and unrest i awoke to so early this morning.

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Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.

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