Everything has felt so long and dragged out; and yet, as someone pointed out tonight, it’s nice to leave on a good note. She said you want to leave when things are really good, but you have the first inkling, when there are still things to be done, but it is just time to go. I said it is so hard to know the difference between running and ‘time to go’. I felt like a failure for wanting to leave everything, but maybe if i’d listened to that urge a year and a half ago, things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. And i have had that hindsight before as well, looking back on my experience in a place and seeing when i should have left but didn’t, clinging to a good thing until the lights go out and the oxygen runs out and i find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time for everything.
I still do think i have a personality disorder, which i am coming to define as a chronic wound in my psyche; and the last two years of my life have probably caused some further chronic damage; but knowing when to leave, and that it’s not always “running” might be a useful reminder. It’s still hard these days to do anything or feel like talking to anyone before 1 or 2 or 3, and pretty dependent on having people around. The dear friends i am staying with have offered me tremendous support, and i would not be here writing this if it weren’t for them; but they have done what they can do, and are pretty involved in their lives at the moment, so there is not much “atunement” with them, and thankfully, other sources have come. People I can let it all hang out around, which is going to have to be my environment for maybe the rest of my life.
I needed to give myself permission to change my life in a big way, but i have felt so many times that i couldn’t give myself permission to do it again. I felt ashamed of making so many big changes in direction. Why can’t i just choose something and follow through with it, take it all the way; why can’t something i do or start actually grow into something that is bigger than myself and a greater feeling of connection? Well, other bipolars relate to this experience, and for now, and although it is not an answer, it is comforting to know that there are others, and that we qualify for some extra support to live the heroic all-american life. I do feel challenged in a way that is not accepted in “normal” society at large.
It’s healing to have people gathering around me to offer support, especially my family. I think i’ve needed that all my life. I’m a little worried about not knowing anyone where i am going to. i will need more than one person, a network. If i can’t find any bipolar/mental health support groups, maybe i will just start going to AA down there, too.
Well, this has turned into a blog posting, and it started by communicating to my mother.
Here i am at 2 o’clock in the morning, having revelations and feeling insightful and articulate again. Tomorrow, i will confront the panic and despair of the early day again.