I am reluctant to feel better. Because I have been through so many therapies and revelations and new beginnings and have continued to end up falling off the planet at the end of all of them, and the older I get, the farther there is to fall. What is the point of beginning again? But, here I am. The universe has chosen that I live to begin again. Sigh. But to be fair, I have never done THIS. I have never stopped pretending to be okay; never been overtly not ok. My family has never gathered forces in this way to support the part of me that keeps falling off the planet. I have never made it real. It’s hard to know if it’s real when it comes and goes so uncontrollably and so drastically that the highs seem like a dream when I am low, and the lows seem like a dream when I am high (as in “normal” or manic). I have been confused all of my life. Am i okay, and ultimately able to manage my moods, or do i require extra support? Now there can be no doubt that i require more knowledge and effort to lead a healthy life. I have made it real and it is not a secret, and this is a new reality. Of course, every other new beginning has also felt new, but again, here I am. I have survived through to another revolationary start.
What is it like to be unabashedly vulnerable and dependent?