In this time of deep rest, recalibrating and healing, I often feel like a useless human being. Maybe the extreme stress i just went through could be said to have inflamed the “disease” or damaged my brain in other ways. I often wake up with a great deal of anxiety and depression. The pressure of the day. Of fitting in with the norm expectation of being productive. I don’t know what to do, how to be productive; and furthermore, when I try, I get overwhelmed or distracted and I can’t do anything anyway. And when I say anything, I mean like, buying bananas. Moving a table out of the way. Making food to eat.
There is a 6 year old in the next room from me. She is having a birthday party today. She is saying, “I gotta get ready for the party, like … washing myself, picking out clothes …” What is striking me is that she seems to be enjoying having to do something. Having to prepare. Wow, she must be young. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. Excited to have something to “get in a tizzy” about. I’m seeing how much joy has been missing from my life.
This morning, I woke up to the sound of the 6 year old jumping and leaping above my head, excited for her special day. I came upstairs to make coffee. Everyone in the house was in a tizzy, and within minutes, I was asked to do something.
It felt terrible, but I just needed a half hour of peace and quiet with my coffee. I got grumpy, feeling useless and helpless and scared and kind of stormed upstairs. Yargh.
I haven’t been feeling excitement to do anything; I feel extreme anxiety that is actually keeping me from doing anything right now. I have a hard time thinking clearly about the practical parts of daily living. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to “have” to do anything. I am completely unreliable and dependent and that is terrifying.
There is a lot of healing to do. There is a long way to go.