finding the child’s heart

March 29, 2012 by innerlight 6 Comments

I was talking about ego with a family member last night, and our discussion led me to thinking about Step One:

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others — that our lives had become unmanageable.

As I tucked myself into bed, I wrote this translation:

Step One: Surrendering the Ego, Finding the Child’s Heart

I acknowledge that I am unhappy in life, or that I simply want more from it.
I acknowledge the shame I feel in this, accept that my ego is in a place of defeat and embrace the unknowingness of this place.
I let my ego fall, along with everything it has created.
I let go of what I think I need and want and who I think I am or expect myself to be.
I face the seeming emptiness in the absence of all this.
I am no longer too proud to ask for help.
I love myself as a child, in this state of surrender, in this state of pure being.
I don’t have to achieve anything or be anything to be worthy to be of value.
I am not my achievements or my failures, but a vessel for them, as expressions of the wonder of life in everyone.
I recover my innocence.
I am regressing to this state to mend and grow like a seed in the ground.
The earth is quiet and dark and moist. I have everything I need here, and I am safe. Existence is simple. I am.

Another CoDA member spoke one time about how when we ask for things from our higher power, the crucial thing is that we ask with the heart of a child; and I thought there, that is what recovery is all about. Because often times, in order to find that child’s heart, there is a lot that has happened, a lot of pain felt. We are in recovery to recover the Child’s Heart.

I’ll leave you with something I wrote about ego, several months ago, while I was doing Step Three:

Everything ego-based eventually comes tumbling down — everything we attempt to hide is inevitably and relentlessly exposed. The solution is to stop hiding it. Nothing can bring us to our knees if we are already there.” – October 16, 2011

A scene from Lucile Hadzihalilovic's 2004 film 'Innocence'

Memoirs of an Ego: When Keeping it Real Goes Quiet! (memoirsofanempress.wordpress.com)
Doing No Thing, a Path Past Ego Death (horizonsofsignificance.wordpress.com)
I am not my ego (mypurplefridays.wordpress.com)
Dear Ego, I Release You (myweirdassdreams.wordpress.com)

Author: innerlight

A capricorn horse. Creative dreamer, over thinker. bpd, insecure attachment and any other labels for deep and chronic wounds and other gifts of brilliance that propel intense and eclectic lives and make for good art. We are high needs and high return, all the way, all the way. Surrender, integration, repair, rebuild, connect, create, evolve. Deeply.